[Jeff is greeted by the voice of a very sleepy Cameron Waltz, still curled up under the covers. Waking up is not his forte. A little known fact Jeff has recently witnessed firsthand.]
Mm. It’s fine darling. But if you comment on my puffy eyes I’ll kill you.
[ He's tempted to deny, like this is just some mysterious quirk of his, but come on. Cam's somebody Jeff really wants to be able to be open with.
Like, really open. Not open in an edited kind of way. ]
I do, yeah. It's been a thing for a long time. [ He groans and flops back against his pillows, looking up at the ceiling as he holds his phone to his ear. ] Usually not this bad though. A little exercise, a little weed, and that tends to take care of it...
[ And now he's smiling, letting out a little pleasant hum as if he has to think on it. ]
Maybe I should go to your place. Since I woke you up and all.
[ Already, he can feel some of his own tension relaxing when Cam says he wants to help. Fuck, that gets him so warm and fuzzy-- Cam gets him warm and fuzzy, even if they haven't really known each other for that long.
It's just been so long since Jeff's met anyone who got him feeling this way, with that whole spark of fresh romance. ]
Tea would be nice. I'll bring you chocolate and blowjobs.
[ WINK. Oh wait, Cam can't see that wink. Whatever, it was a serious promise, anyway!
And here's Jeff pulling on some real pants so he can head out to Cam's apartment. ]
[A pause, because Cam really does want to help him. He cares about Jeff. It's been a long time since he's felt this connected to a man. Cam's rarely left wanting for sex, but emotional intimacy and openness? He's hungry for both.
And Jeff gives of himself in those ways so freely.]
Deal. Talking, then blowjobs. [ Looks like they've got a packed night now! It's just a shame this all had to start at, uhhh... 3 am?? ] Chai sounds great. I love your chai.
[ Teasingly, he adds, as he's making sure he's respectable enough to leave the apartment: ] Better than Starbucks.
I'm hurrying! Though the prospect of kissing you awake is pretty appealing...
[ But Jeff's out the door and-- after a quick stop at a 24/7 shop between his apartment and Cam's (gotta get that chocolate)-- he's at Cam's building and ready to be buzzed up in no time.
Look, he's got long legs. Great for getting places fast.
Once we skip past all the going upstairs, knocking on the door, etc stuff, Jeff's greeting Cam with a kiss, and he's got two chocolate bars in hand, just for Cam.
They're even kinda fancy! Well, he thinks he might be. They're not any brand he recognizes, but he was assured it's some good stuff, from another planet...
(It is, in fact, some good stuff, don't worry.)
He takes in Cam's appearance, the lingering sleepiness, the comfy housecoat and slippers, and he's smiling, warm and fond, at the other man. ]
You are so not a night owl. [ That's not an insult! ] It's cute.
[He accepts both kiss and chocolate with a smile. Jeff's chai is already sitting on the coffee table beside a plate of biscuits. Just in case he's feeling peckish.]
I am so.
[Mock indignance, giving Jeff's chest a light poke.]
I can stay up late just fine. It's the waking up part that's difficult.
[He almost yawns on cue, wrapping both arms around Jeff and leaning into him. Face pressed into his neck.
He really could fall asleep like that. Jeff's body is warm, and Cam's terrycloth housecoat and slippers are comfortable. You could find either at your local big box store. He doesn't wander his house wearing a silk sleeping robe. He'd spill his morning coffee down the front before the week was out. Besides, you can't beat a t-shirt and flannel bottoms for snoozeability, and Cam takes his sleeping very seriously.
Which is why he feels for Jeff, knowing how miserable it is to be tired. He's suffered his own bouts of insomnia.]
I'm sorry you can't sleep.
[Cam isn't at his most eloquent at 3am, but he's even more sincere.]
[ Jeff slips his arms around Cam's waist, under the housecoat, hugging him close as Cam nuzzles against his neck. This is nice, a casual intimacy he hasn't had in years. He could stand here and hold Cam all night.
Except, you know, that would be a deflection from his own issues, just like a blowjob would be. ]
Mm. [ Jeff tilts his head, pressing his face to Cam's hair. ] At least insomnia has its perks. Tea and a hot guy.
[Cam kisses Jeff's cheek before pulling away, leading him by the hand over to his cozy sectional. He sits Jeff down, puts the chai in his hand, and draws his legs up onto the couch to curl up beside him. Just because they're talking doesn't mean they can't be comfortable. He rests his chin in his palm, eyeing Jeff with a heavy-lidded, but very focused gaze.]
[ Oh man, this couch is comfy. Jeff's happy to sink down on it and lean against Cam, tea in hand.
He likes this. He could get used to having this like... regularly. Domesticity. Casual intimacy. Just being with someone.
Jeff looks at Cam, inhales, then shifts his gaze down to his tea. ]
Oh, uh. It's been on and off since rehab. [ CASUALLY DROPPING THAT TIDBIT IN. ] Insomnia, nightmares... Usually it's more 'off' than 'on,' at least until a couple weeks ago, when we... ah. You know.
[Cam already knew about rehab, but it's never been the right time to talk about it. Now that they're alone, Cam's calm, and they both more or less know where they stand with one another in terms of a relationship? He's determined to see the conversation through.
Cam sips his tea, then rests the mug against his thigh. Quiet for a moment before speaking.]
What happened in the woods really affected you. Have these feelings gotten better or worse with time and distance?
I know you were upset when we had that... talk. I'm sorry we didn't talk about it then. I had my head up my ass.
[ Jeff takes a sip of the tea, then lowers the mug, his fingers drumming against it. ]
I guess it did.
[ Reluctant, and a total understatement. Jeff blinks, thinking, even though he knows the answer already. ]
Worse.
[ Because he could at least distract himself in the immediate aftermath with making sure Athena was okay, or Cam, or check in on any other person in his life. But that could only work for so long. ]
It's fine. Really. I probably wasn't in the best place to talk about it, anyway.
[ And notice how he's still SOOOORT OF STALLING. Talking around it rather than going into it. ]
[Cameron Waltz isn't a man known for mincing words. He's a negotiator. Getting to the heart of the matter instead of dancing around it is his job.
He takes Jeff's hand in his hand, thumb stroking over his knuckles. He keeps looking at him. Offering the full support of his attention. Cam doesn't listen halfassed.]
I have nightmares too. They're nothing to be ashamed of.
[ Jeff breathes, because he could mince words all night if Cam gave him the chance, but it's getting harder to dance around it.
It helps when Cam takes his hand. That gives him the resolve to at least look at the other man. ]
Singing. [ He frowns a little. ] I don't really, literally hear it, I mean-- because it's a dream and all-- but I know it's there. This song, I'm singing it-- usually a younger me. Like, uh. When we met before...
[ Like the shade in the forest. ]
I know it's the last song I ever wrote, the one I'm singing in the dream. And then I'm not in control anymore, like something else took the wheel, and all I can do is watch.
[ He rubs his eyes tiredly. ]
The details are always different, but that's pretty much how it goes, usually.
[ There's a pause before he adds: ]
I'm a burnout, Cam. A total fucking burnout. There's a reason I couldn't cast anything when we were out in the woods.
[ Jeff hadn't even realized he'd been getting agitated as he spoke, antsy tapping with his fingers, a bit of jitteriness in his legs. He doesn't realize it until Cam's kissing him and he feels some sense of calm draping over him. He closes his eyes, feeling, in the moment, like it's just the two of them. Just Jeff and Cam, and no specters of his past.
He looks at Cam, and he can see compassion and tenderness in him. Jeff trusts him... but there's still a voice that tells him all that will change once Cam learns what kind of person he really is.
As if the forest hadn't done that already. ]
Not the singing, exactly. The ritual. [ He pauses, trying to work the words out in his head before he explains. ] I wasn't at drug rehab. I mean, that was part of my treatment plan, but. Ah... It was a recovery center for, like, magic related shit. [ He cringes a little. ] Inpatient care for Gifted fuckups.
I used to cast all the time. You remember it, at my show, right?
[He strokes the baby hairs at the nape of Jeff's neck. Trying to support without smothering. It's hard, because some part of him does want to wrap Jeff up and tell him everything will be okay. Cam is so used to making everyone else's problems his own. He's made a career out of it.
But Jeff isn't a client, victim, or mark. He's his... Well, they haven't quite figured that out yet.]
What happened? I won't judge you. Trust me when I say I've made my own share of Gifted fuck-ups.
My shows, all that magic, the crowds feeding into the rituals, it-- I kind of... [ Fuck, this is hard, because it's painful, all the memories surrounding it are painful. And it's shameful, too, how stupid and reckless he'd been, because this kind of shit doesn't just happen to 99.9% of Gifted people in the first place. But here comes Jeff, world champion at fucking up. ] I kind of... accidentally... pulled a demon to me.
[ Oddly, it was easier to mention that to Alex-- somebody with experience with the fuckers, but not from his world-- than to Cam. He laughs, dry and humorless, and adds: ]
It said it was my biggest fan. I still remember that. The first thing it ever said to me... [ Jeff pauses, brow furrowed as he thinks back on it. ] It's like something takes up residence in your head. And you're pretty sure it's not you, but sometimes you wonder: "Is this me? Am I just crazy?"
Edited (I hate phone tagging) 2018-09-05 21:48 (UTC)
[A demon. Cam's never dealt with one directly, but he's read case files. The MIA keeps an eye out, especially on those in power, who are at greater risk for demonic possession than most, and are in the position to inflict the most damage under demonic influence.
There's little information regarding possession in the general populace. With most ending in suicide or acts of violence, it's nearly impossible to weed out the mentally ill from the demon-touched. Jeff's explanation paints a picture he'd never imagined.
Cam doesn't know what to say immediately, so he doesn't rush to speak. Simply hugs Jeff. Holds him close against him.
When he does speak, it's softly.]
That would scare anyone, Jeff. You're not a coward, and you're not a burn-out. Most people don't survive possessions. The fact you made it out alive means you're stronger than most.
I can see why you're afraid to sing again. I would be too.
[A pause, breathing into the thought of telling Jeff something about himself only one person knows.]
It's not the same, but sometimes if I reach too deeply inside of people, with my gift, I know I could take more than control from them. And sometimes it's very hard to say no, when they've done something wrong, or hurt other people.
I don't know what it is. Their life. Their soul. But I do know if I take it, there's no coming back from that.
We're all capable of that kind of darkness, in different ways.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[That, and old habits die hard. When you work for the MIA you can't afford to miss a phone call.]
I'm awake now. It's fine. Can you call though? Eyes tired.
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Cam, I'm so sorry I interrupted your beauty rest! I promise I'll treat you to a spa or something.
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Mm. It’s fine darling. But if you comment on my puffy eyes I’ll kill you.
Now, what’s wrong? Insomnia?
[He honestly barely remembers the text.]
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[ SEE. He knows how to play dumb.
And then it's time for a chagrined: ]
Uhhh... yeah. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping. And lately that sometimes is, uh... more often?
[ Pause. ]
Except for the night you stayed over. That was nice.
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Do you know why?
[A low chuckle and almost yawn.]
And is this a roundabout way of asking me to stay over again?
Because the answer is yes.
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Like, really open. Not open in an edited kind of way. ]
I do, yeah. It's been a thing for a long time. [ He groans and flops back against his pillows, looking up at the ceiling as he holds his phone to his ear. ] Usually not this bad though. A little exercise, a little weed, and that tends to take care of it...
[ And now he's smiling, letting out a little pleasant hum as if he has to think on it. ]
Maybe I should go to your place. Since I woke you up and all.
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You can come to my place.
Let's talk about it in person. I want to help.
Should I put some tea on, or keep the bed warm?
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[ Already, he can feel some of his own tension relaxing when Cam says he wants to help. Fuck, that gets him so warm and fuzzy-- Cam gets him warm and fuzzy, even if they haven't really known each other for that long.
It's just been so long since Jeff's met anyone who got him feeling this way, with that whole spark of fresh romance. ]
Tea would be nice. I'll bring you chocolate and blowjobs.
[ WINK. Oh wait, Cam can't see that wink. Whatever, it was a serious promise, anyway!
And here's Jeff pulling on some real pants so he can head out to Cam's apartment. ]
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[A pause, because Cam really does want to help him. He cares about Jeff. It's been a long time since he's felt this connected to a man. Cam's rarely left wanting for sex, but emotional intimacy and openness? He's hungry for both.
And Jeff gives of himself in those ways so freely.]
Talking first. You can thank me later. Chai?
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Deal. Talking, then blowjobs. [ Looks like they've got a packed night now! It's just a shame this all had to start at, uhhh... 3 am?? ] Chai sounds great. I love your chai.
[ Teasingly, he adds, as he's making sure he's respectable enough to leave the apartment: ] Better than Starbucks.
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It better be.
[Cam climbs out of bed and slides into his slippers, wrapping a housecoat around himself.]
Don't take too long or I might fall back asleep. You would have to kiss me awake.
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[ But Jeff's out the door and-- after a quick stop at a 24/7 shop between his apartment and Cam's (gotta get that chocolate)-- he's at Cam's building and ready to be buzzed up in no time.
Look, he's got long legs. Great for getting places fast.
Once we skip past all the going upstairs, knocking on the door, etc stuff, Jeff's greeting Cam with a kiss, and he's got two chocolate bars in hand, just for Cam.
They're even kinda fancy! Well, he thinks he might be. They're not any brand he recognizes, but he was assured it's some good stuff, from another planet...
(It is, in fact, some good stuff, don't worry.)
He takes in Cam's appearance, the lingering sleepiness, the comfy housecoat and slippers, and he's smiling, warm and fond, at the other man. ]
You are so not a night owl. [ That's not an insult! ] It's cute.
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I am so.
[Mock indignance, giving Jeff's chest a light poke.]
I can stay up late just fine. It's the waking up part that's difficult.
[He almost yawns on cue, wrapping both arms around Jeff and leaning into him. Face pressed into his neck.
He really could fall asleep like that. Jeff's body is warm, and Cam's terrycloth housecoat and slippers are comfortable. You could find either at your local big box store. He doesn't wander his house wearing a silk sleeping robe. He'd spill his morning coffee down the front before the week was out. Besides, you can't beat a t-shirt and flannel bottoms for snoozeability, and Cam takes his sleeping very seriously.
Which is why he feels for Jeff, knowing how miserable it is to be tired. He's suffered his own bouts of insomnia.]
I'm sorry you can't sleep.
[Cam isn't at his most eloquent at 3am, but he's even more sincere.]
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Except, you know, that would be a deflection from his own issues, just like a blowjob would be. ]
Mm. [ Jeff tilts his head, pressing his face to Cam's hair. ] At least insomnia has its perks. Tea and a hot guy.
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[Cam kisses Jeff's cheek before pulling away, leading him by the hand over to his cozy sectional. He sits Jeff down, puts the chai in his hand, and draws his legs up onto the couch to curl up beside him. Just because they're talking doesn't mean they can't be comfortable. He rests his chin in his palm, eyeing Jeff with a heavy-lidded, but very focused gaze.]
How long have you had this problem?
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He likes this. He could get used to having this like... regularly. Domesticity. Casual intimacy. Just being with someone.
Jeff looks at Cam, inhales, then shifts his gaze down to his tea. ]
Oh, uh. It's been on and off since rehab. [ CASUALLY DROPPING THAT TIDBIT IN. ] Insomnia, nightmares... Usually it's more 'off' than 'on,' at least until a couple weeks ago, when we... ah. You know.
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[Cam already knew about rehab, but it's never been the right time to talk about it. Now that they're alone, Cam's calm, and they both more or less know where they stand with one another in terms of a relationship? He's determined to see the conversation through.
Cam sips his tea, then rests the mug against his thigh. Quiet for a moment before speaking.]
What happened in the woods really affected you. Have these feelings gotten better or worse with time and distance?
I know you were upset when we had that... talk. I'm sorry we didn't talk about it then. I had my head up my ass.
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I guess it did.
[ Reluctant, and a total understatement. Jeff blinks, thinking, even though he knows the answer already. ]
Worse.
[ Because he could at least distract himself in the immediate aftermath with making sure Athena was okay, or Cam, or check in on any other person in his life. But that could only work for so long. ]
It's fine. Really. I probably wasn't in the best place to talk about it, anyway.
[ And notice how he's still SOOOORT OF STALLING. Talking around it rather than going into it. ]
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[Cameron Waltz isn't a man known for mincing words. He's a negotiator. Getting to the heart of the matter instead of dancing around it is his job.
He takes Jeff's hand in his hand, thumb stroking over his knuckles. He keeps looking at him. Offering the full support of his attention. Cam doesn't listen halfassed.]
I have nightmares too. They're nothing to be ashamed of.
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It helps when Cam takes his hand. That gives him the resolve to at least look at the other man. ]
Singing. [ He frowns a little. ] I don't really, literally hear it, I mean-- because it's a dream and all-- but I know it's there. This song, I'm singing it-- usually a younger me. Like, uh. When we met before...
[ Like the shade in the forest. ]
I know it's the last song I ever wrote, the one I'm singing in the dream. And then I'm not in control anymore, like something else took the wheel, and all I can do is watch.
[ He rubs his eyes tiredly. ]
The details are always different, but that's pretty much how it goes, usually.
[ There's a pause before he adds: ]
I'm a burnout, Cam. A total fucking burnout. There's a reason I couldn't cast anything when we were out in the woods.
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[Cam closes the space between them to kiss Jeff on the lips. Softly. Tenderly. Because there's only so much words can say.
What happened in the forest was bad for everyone. Cam doesn't think Jeff is any less of a man for it. He's still attracted to him.
And still falling for him.]
Are you scared singing will trigger a relapse? Because I can tell you right now, Athena and I won't let that happen.
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He looks at Cam, and he can see compassion and tenderness in him. Jeff trusts him... but there's still a voice that tells him all that will change once Cam learns what kind of person he really is.
As if the forest hadn't done that already. ]
Not the singing, exactly. The ritual. [ He pauses, trying to work the words out in his head before he explains. ] I wasn't at drug rehab. I mean, that was part of my treatment plan, but. Ah... It was a recovery center for, like, magic related shit. [ He cringes a little. ] Inpatient care for Gifted fuckups.
I used to cast all the time. You remember it, at my show, right?
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[He strokes the baby hairs at the nape of Jeff's neck. Trying to support without smothering. It's hard, because some part of him does want to wrap Jeff up and tell him everything will be okay. Cam is so used to making everyone else's problems his own. He's made a career out of it.
But Jeff isn't a client, victim, or mark. He's his... Well, they haven't quite figured that out yet.]
What happened? I won't judge you. Trust me when I say I've made my own share of Gifted fuck-ups.
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My shows, all that magic, the crowds feeding into the rituals, it-- I kind of... [ Fuck, this is hard, because it's painful, all the memories surrounding it are painful. And it's shameful, too, how stupid and reckless he'd been, because this kind of shit doesn't just happen to 99.9% of Gifted people in the first place. But here comes Jeff, world champion at fucking up. ] I kind of... accidentally... pulled a demon to me.
[ Oddly, it was easier to mention that to Alex-- somebody with experience with the fuckers, but not from his world-- than to Cam. He laughs, dry and humorless, and adds: ]
It said it was my biggest fan. I still remember that. The first thing it ever said to me... [ Jeff pauses, brow furrowed as he thinks back on it. ] It's like something takes up residence in your head. And you're pretty sure it's not you, but sometimes you wonder: "Is this me? Am I just crazy?"
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There's little information regarding possession in the general populace. With most ending in suicide or acts of violence, it's nearly impossible to weed out the mentally ill from the demon-touched. Jeff's explanation paints a picture he'd never imagined.
Cam doesn't know what to say immediately, so he doesn't rush to speak. Simply hugs Jeff. Holds him close against him.
When he does speak, it's softly.]
That would scare anyone, Jeff. You're not a coward, and you're not a burn-out. Most people don't survive possessions. The fact you made it out alive means you're stronger than most.
I can see why you're afraid to sing again. I would be too.
[A pause, breathing into the thought of telling Jeff something about himself only one person knows.]
It's not the same, but sometimes if I reach too deeply inside of people, with my gift, I know I could take more than control from them. And sometimes it's very hard to say no, when they've done something wrong, or hurt other people.
I don't know what it is. Their life. Their soul. But I do know if I take it, there's no coming back from that.
We're all capable of that kind of darkness, in different ways.
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