[Cam looks back at Jeff, half-smiling. He really isn't worthy of awe. He's just a man. The same as Jeff is. Cameron Waltz may be accomplished in many areas, but mentally and emotionally? He may actually be more fragile than most.
Maybe there's something to be said for struggling from such an early age, even if it feels like a lifetime of weakness. By the time he was an adult, and the threats to his psyche were real, he was used to fighting.]
If thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee. I'm just too afraid to look. Because I'm afraid I'll see me looking back at me, and have proof that everyone who gave me shit over my affinity was right. That I'm not gifted. I'm cursed.
I've been wanting to prove those people wrong from the first time I saw my shadow. So maybe there's some anger there too. Bitterness. Defiance.
[Cam touches Jeff's face, thumb stroking his cheek.]
For what it's worth, I found hiding from my own shadow only made it that much more difficult. I think you should try singing, if you can, and know Athena and I won't let anything happen to you.
I was angry for a long time, too. Growing up, hearing all the stereotypes. Knowing people expected the worst from you. [ Now he defies people's expectations, but in the past? He lived up to the worst of what people expected from bards. Jeff starts to smile. ] I don't see a curse when I look at your shadow. For what it's worth.
[ The offer has his smile broadening. He feels lighter now than he has in days. Jesus, he could even fall asleep at this rate. ]
Keep talking like that, and I just might find it in me to serenade you. [ For now, though, he'll just kiss Cam. ]
[Cam leans into the kiss, lingering, in no rush to pull away from Jeff, or this moment.
It's proof of something. Trust. Intimacy. Maybe even... Cam won't let his mind go that far yet, but his heart goes on without him. Thumping loud and steady against his ribs like a heavy drum.
He smiles against Jeff's lips, relaxing against him.]
Thank you. And I would very much like to be serenaded.
[ Jeff reaches for Cam's hand, intertwining their fingers together. He actually would like to sing for Cam right now, if he could, if it weren't for all the shit he's still trying to shake off from the forest.
But he wants to believe it's true, that he can sing for others, lace his melodies with ritual, and it'll be safe, because he's got Cam and Athena looking out for him.
Maybe one day, he can try. Tonight, though... ]
In the meantime, I can hum a pretty kickass lullaby. If you want to get some sleep.
[Cam rests his head on Jeff's shoulder, lightly squeezing his hand, warm mug of chai held between his thighs.
All things considered, it's not a bad way to end the night. Even after sharing parts of themselves deemed ugly or unacceptable, by society or themselves. The fact they're still holding each other, even knowing one another's flaws was worth the risk.
Cam can't remember feeling more comfortable with a man. Not even his ex-husband. The one Jeff still doesn't know about. That's a discussion for another day.]
[ Jeff reaches to reclaim his mug, because by god he's going to finish this chai. Even if they only scratched the surface with their various and many issues, it feels significant, like there's one less wall that's standing between them.
There's not that many people who've gotten this far with him, as far as the whole... emotional intimacy goes. But with Cam, it just feels natural. Comfortable. Even with their occasional blowups.
He takes a sip, and considers for a moment, going through some playlist in his head. Then he starts humming a song that nobody's heard in decades. One of the rare mellow tracks, from an EP of a little SoCal band that broke up when the lead singer went and got semi-possessed by a demon--
Obviously, we're talking about Jeff's band here. Tonight, the Nervous Tix are making a comeback in Cameron Waltz's living room. ]
[Cam doesn’t recognize the song, but he knows it’s one of Jeff’s. Because it sounds like him. Has his essence. Where could Jeff Calhoun have gone without a demon on his back? Cam thinks as he’s falling asleep that Jeff could have been famous. He’s always been special. Then and now. Knowing Jeff was forced to damper that shine out of fear for himself and others is a tragedy in and of itself.
He’s asleep before the song is over, breathing softly against Jeff’s neck. Hand almost in his chai. Cam wouldn’t ordinarily allow himself to fall asleep in front of company, years of dangerous work have made him cautious, but with Jeff Cam does so many things he wouldn’t ordinarily do.
Cam doesn’t let his guard down around most men. He’s learned to protect those parts of himself that are soft and vulnerable.
[ He trails off once he notices Cam's fallen asleep against him. The soft breathing on his neck, steady and rhythmic... He could fall asleep right here, like this, except there's no way two 6' tall forty-somethings could sleep on the couch without wrecking their backs.
Gingerly, he plucks the mug from Cam's hand and sets both cups down on the coffee table. ]
C'mon, babe. Let's get you to bed.
[ It takes a little bit of gentle shifting, but Jeff's got Cam in his arms soon enough, to carry him into the bedroom. GOOD THING HE LIFTS, BRO. It comes in handy in so many ways. ]
[Cam opens his eyes at 10 the next morning. The first thing he noticed is the time. His alarm was set for 8, but his bedside clock has a funny way of turning itself off when he doesn't want to wake up.
The second thing he notices is the emptiness of his bed, which he doesn't remember going back to after their talk last night.
There's a moment when Cam isn't sure there was a last night. Maybe he was dreaming that Jeff Calhoun came to him at 3am, all hazel eyes and sad puppy-dog smile.
Then he smells the coffee, and smiles into his pillow.
Ten or fifteen minutes later Cam drags himself out of bed, sends a quick text to his secretary to say he'll be out of office today (obviously) and trudges sleepily into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes until the world becomes less fuzzy.]
[ Jeff managed to get some sleep. It wasn't just their talk that did it; it was Cam. His presence, awake or asleep, eased Jeff's mind out of the iron grip of his anxiety, allowed him to actually get a few hours in.
But he's a morning person (thanks to his job), and it's tough to sleep in, even on the days he can. Damn his highly disciplined body! So by the time Cam trudges into the kitchen, Jeff's already called in at work, washed the mugs, made some coffee, and started cooking breakfast. Eggs! And some fruit he found in the fridge and sliced up! And-- well that's as far as he's gotten. He hasn't figured out the rest of the breakfast yet. ]
[Cam's not his most verbose in the morning. JJ loves to ask him for things before he's had his first hit of caffeine. He can't remember half the things he says yes to. She's even more sly than he is.
Jeff's smile is warmer and brighter than the sun shining in through the kitchen blinds. Waking up to a man making coffee and cooking eggs in his kitchen, looking at him the way Jeff does? Cam could get used to this.
He walks over to Jeff, almost going in for a kiss before stopping himself, blinking with sleepy regret.]
[ Jeff would point out that once you've gotten your mouth on another person's genitals and adjacent areas, morning breath isn't that big a deal. Like, he's not a fan of it under ideal circumstances, but he's not gonna refuse a kiss from Cam on those grounds!
Especially because he's so cute first thing in the morning. Jeff leans to the side, reaches past Cam, and swipes a slice of apple from the spread. ]
Here. [ He slips the apple into Cam's mouth. To freshen up!
Teasingly: ] Now nobody can tell.
[ He loops an arm around Cam's waist and goes in for a kiss. ]
[Is Cam’s only response to that, around the apple occupying his mouth as Jeff kisses him. He isn’t going to argue. A moment of crunching and a swallow, then he’s looping his arms around Jeff’s neck and kissing him back. Soft and slow. Taking his time. Now that Cam isn’t going into the office, he has nowhere to be but here.]
Good morning.
[Did he say that already? Another kiss and he’s leaning into Jeff and looking over his shoulder to peer at the percolating coffee. Cam’s needs upon waking are simple. Coffee. Breakfast. Shower. After that, he’s awake and ready to take on the world.
Until then, Jeff gets this. The rare sighting of Cameron Waltz before he’s emerged from his morning cocoon a powerful masculine butterfly.]
Goooood morning. [ Nice and slow and languid. Unlike the night before (well, early morning), Jeff seems totally at ease right now. The few hours of sleep did him good. He passes Cam a coffee mug. ]
I called in. [ There's a beat before he admits: ] The alternative was ducking out while you were still asleep. I think I picked the better option.
[Cam inhales a mouthful of coffee before speaking. He needs fuel to formulate a proper response.
After last night, it feels like there’s a lot that needs to be said. Some of which he doesn’t want to say before the caffeine kicks in. One hand between Jeff’s shoulder blades and the other holding his mug, he’s also comfortable. More comfortable than he’s ever been in the ‘morning after’ with another man. Usually he’s trying his best not to embarrass himself, self-conscious about his lack of presentation and wit when it feels like that’s all anyone is interested in.
Maybe that’s why it’s felt different with Jeff from the very start. Because he’d already embarrassed himself so many times from the get-go. Cam’s more obvious flaws are nothing Jeff hasn’t seen before.]
I’m glad you didn’t go. When I woke up, I wasn’t sure you were really here. I can’t even remember going back to bed.
[A pause, looking into his coffee with a shy, trying to hide how pleased he is sort of smile.]
I hummed you a lullaby, and you dozed right off. [ Jeff gives him a series of affectionate nuzzles-slash-kisses on the neck and shoulder before going for his own coffee mug. Look, he's an affectionate person in general, and even if they haven't defined anything yet, Jeff's still comfortable enough with Cam to just... be his touchy-feely self. ]
I did. It took some maneuvering on account of your height. You're so long!
[ But, hey, Jeff's spent his whole sober life hitting the gym in lieu of mainlining drugs, so. NO PROBLEM. His back's fine! ]
That was very sweet of you. My back owes you a debt of gratitude.
[He never thought he’d be able to cross ‘be carried to bed’ off the bucket list, given his height, age, and a number of other factors, but here he is. A man who was hummed to sleep and carried to bed. ]
And it was a good lullaby.
[Cam soaks up the affection without complaint. He honestly can’t get enough. If Cameron Waltz is lacking in anything, it’s love.
Not that Jeff loves him. Not as far as Cam knows, anyway. It’s a little early for that, right? The thought makes him giggle nervously out of seemingly nowhere and pull away from Jeff to sit at the counter. Drinking his coffee as he watches Jeff putter about in a kitchenette almost too small for his broad shoulders. Quietly mulling over everything that happened last night and is continuing to happen this morning.]
Me too. Did you manage to get any sleep? I’m sorry I passed out on you, it wasn’t very considerate of me.
[ Oddly now, in the light of day, he's a little self conscious about it. For as confident as Jeff is in some respects, there's something so painfully vulnerable in sharing any music he actually composed himself. These days, the rare times he does sing in front of others, it's always covers of other artists. There's safety in that.
He trusts Cam enough that he can be vulnerable with him. Still, there's some part of him that fears that now, in the light of day, Cam would remember his song as the garbage he's long convinced himself that it is.
Jeff's distracted from his little spike of self loathing, at least, when Cam pulls away with a nervous giggle that brings a smile to his face. Fuck, Cam's adorable. He's handsome, and sophisticated, and passionate, intense, occasionally intimidating... and he's so fucking cute and adorable on top of all of that. The fact that he's been single for so long because most men in his league would rather the fantasy of some 24/7 stone cold besuited badass is just... baffling.
It's not just baffling; it's like a goddamn tragedy, with how alienating it must be for Cam. How many men have set their sights on a fantasy of him, without a care for the real person?
He's watching Cam, smiling fondly, for maybe a beat too long, before he remembers breakfast and gets to popping some bread in the toaster. ]
I got a few hours. Uh... [ Spatula in hand, he rubs the back of his neck as he admits: ] Listening to your breathing made it easier to fall asleep. [ He looks over his shoulder, arching his brow. ] Don't even. You got out of bed and made me tea!
[Jeff’s really going for the jugular. How does Cam defend himself against a man who can disarm him with a simple statement and a smile? He can’t. A fact that’s both terrifying and exciting at the same time. Most of the men he’s been with have been more interested in his resume than a relationship. Doctors. Lawyers. Diplomats. Attractive successful men conducting a different kind of business transaction in the pursuit of furthering their personal and professional ambitions.
Cam’s emotions, and all the baggage that comes with them, have rarely fit into the golden ratio of their ideal partner. Never mind his daughter and her baggage. Jeff has his own daughter, and his own baggage, so he knows what it's like, but would he want any more than he already has? Will he have time, energy, or want for any of this when they return home?
It’s a question that’s been on Cam’s mind since their first date.
He’s probably been staring at Jeff too long and hard, coffee clutched in both hands, his mouth never leaving the rim of the mug. He finishes sooner than later. It’s not unheard of for Cam to go through two or three cups in the morning.]
Were you looking for anyone back home? Seriously, I mean.
[ Jeff's plating the eggs by the time Cam asks that question, and grabbing the toast as he considers his response. Because, like with so many things, his situation back home was complicated. He hasn't had a real relationship since his divorce, and that was over a decade ago. He's had plenty of dates-- first dates, second dates, some third dates, with things usually dropping off around that point-- and plenty of opportunities to get laid and that's about it.
Finding anyone he clicked with was hard, anyone he could imagine fitting into his life with Mel. And he quickly grew tired, too, of people who'd look at him without really listening to him, because they'd already decided he was nice, but stupid, and nothing more. Fun for a lay, and not useful for much else. ]
I wasn't... actively looking. [ There, he admitted it. Jeff brings their plates to the counter with an awkward smile. Well, half-smile, half-grimace. ] With Mel, and work, and everything else, it got to where I started putting it off. You know what it's like, as a single parent. Finding someone you'd even want in your kid's life.
I guess I just stopped trying, after a while.
[ He sits down beside Cam, throwing a glance at him, pausing for a few beats too long before he blurts out: ]
I think Mel would like you. If she were here, or we were back home.
[ SUBTLE, JEFF.
But yeah, obviously Jeff's been thinking about that since his crush on Cameron Waltz evolved into more than just a crush. ]
[Cam can’t help brightening, because that means… everything. Jeff is all too aware of how JJ feels about him, but Cam knows his daughter better than anyone. She runs hot and cold, just like he does. He has no doubt in his mind she can warm to Jeff, just like he did. JJ isn’t his biological daughter, but they’re so similar in so many ways that she might as well be.
Turning to look at Jeff, one hand on the other man’s leg, he makes his case.]
JJ could like you. I know she can. All she needs is time, and to know you outside of the classroom. She has issues with authority figures. Her parents abandoned her, the village elders exiled her- it’s difficult for her to trust people. When we first met, she didn’t like me either. I carried her kicking and screaming out of that village.
She’s a handful, but she’s mine, and if this were going to be anything- if you wanted this to be anything, then that’s something to consider. My job, as well. It’s dangerous. I travel a lot. What I do here is relatively cushy in comparison. It’s possible we could go for months without seeing each other.
[He pinches the brow of his nose. He should have held off on this conversation until this evening. He’s not at his sharpest, he hasn’t fully thought through what he’s saying, or even what he’s really asking, but there’s no going back now.
A deep breath, gathering himself. As much as he can while still wearing his pajamas.]
What I’m trying to say is I need to know if you have intentions of carrying on back home, or if our time together is limited to this universe. That’s fine, this isn’t an ultimatum, but I’d like to adjust my expectations accordingly. As you know, I’m a very…
[Wait, they aren’t even dating? What is he doing? He’s going to scare Jeff away before they’ve gotten as far as this conversation.
Why can’t he put words to the simple fear of growing too attached and invested in a short term relationship?]
You know what, never mind- this isn’t the time. I’m making something out of nothing. Not that we're nothing, ah-
[ He listens, because yeah, this is a serious subject, for both of them-- even if Jeff gets the sense that they might have skipped a few conversations between Point A and Point... Z, because Jeff's still not sure what their status even is.
But he knows what he wants it to be, at least, and if Cam's already thinking this far ahead, about the complications of their real lives, then it means he probably wants this to be the same thing. Right?
Except Jeff doesn't have much of a chance to respond to any of this yet, because Cam's starting to work himself up into a bundle of nerves. The more he talks, the worse it seems to get. ]
Hey. [ Jeff reaches for Cam's hand, stroking his thumb over the other man's knuckles. ] Easy. It's okay. [ He lifts Cam's hand to press a kiss to it. He'd take it a step further and kiss Cam, full-on, but in the context of this conversation, he's not sure if that would be, like, cheating. A shortcut to reassurance, another deflection so Jeff wouldn't have to directly address things.
He wants to be direct for Cam. ]
If we went home tomorrow, I would still want to continue this. With you. Cameron Waltz. [ NO AMBIGUITY THERE. ] I'd want to at least try.
[Cam answers that directness with a kiss, squeezing Jeff's hand at the same time. It's funny the way they work together. Checking and balancing. Jeff speaking so Cam doesn't have to. Cam kissing Jeff and taking that step further for them both.]
Yes. Me too.
[There. Everything he wanted to say in three words. Minus the panic.
Cam slides off of his stool and onto Jeff's lap. Maybe he's being too forward, but he'd like to think they're on the same page now. Carding his fingers through Jeff's hair he looks into his eyes, that sweet honey hazel. He could spread it on toast.]
You're not seeing anyone else, are you? I'm not. I won't, if you don't.
[ They're well past worries of 'too forward,' and Jeff's only too happy to slide his arms around Cam's waist and hold him steady while he tips his head back to look up at Cam. There's a low hum in his throat, contented, as Cam threads his fingers through his hair. ]
Mm... Nope. Just you. I'm kinda a one guy kind of guy.
[It says something about Cam that relaxed and enjoying the moment he can't help but go into negotiation. It's a blessing and a curse.
Cam just wants this to work. Maybe it won't be forever, but he won't forgive himself if he doesn't try. Not with the way Jeff makes him feel. And the way he thinks he might make Jeff feel.
The way Jeff looks at him sometimes... Cam really does feel special, and not because of his affinity, or the fact he's the only man crazy enough to do what he does for a living. The only other man who's ever looked at him like that was Mazin, and even then, it wasn't in his kitchen, after a long night of... talking and sleeping.
Maybe it will work.
Looking down into Jeff's eyes, Cam hopes it does.]
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[Cam looks back at Jeff, half-smiling. He really isn't worthy of awe. He's just a man. The same as Jeff is. Cameron Waltz may be accomplished in many areas, but mentally and emotionally? He may actually be more fragile than most.
Maybe there's something to be said for struggling from such an early age, even if it feels like a lifetime of weakness. By the time he was an adult, and the threats to his psyche were real, he was used to fighting.]
If thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee. I'm just too afraid to look. Because I'm afraid I'll see me looking back at me, and have proof that everyone who gave me shit over my affinity was right. That I'm not gifted. I'm cursed.
I've been wanting to prove those people wrong from the first time I saw my shadow. So maybe there's some anger there too. Bitterness. Defiance.
[Cam touches Jeff's face, thumb stroking his cheek.]
For what it's worth, I found hiding from my own shadow only made it that much more difficult. I think you should try singing, if you can, and know Athena and I won't let anything happen to you.
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[ The offer has his smile broadening. He feels lighter now than he has in days. Jesus, he could even fall asleep at this rate. ]
Keep talking like that, and I just might find it in me to serenade you. [ For now, though, he'll just kiss Cam. ]
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It's proof of something. Trust. Intimacy. Maybe even... Cam won't let his mind go that far yet, but his heart goes on without him. Thumping loud and steady against his ribs like a heavy drum.
He smiles against Jeff's lips, relaxing against him.]
Thank you. And I would very much like to be serenaded.
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But he wants to believe it's true, that he can sing for others, lace his melodies with ritual, and it'll be safe, because he's got Cam and Athena looking out for him.
Maybe one day, he can try. Tonight, though... ]
In the meantime, I can hum a pretty kickass lullaby. If you want to get some sleep.
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All things considered, it's not a bad way to end the night. Even after sharing parts of themselves deemed ugly or unacceptable, by society or themselves. The fact they're still holding each other, even knowing one another's flaws was worth the risk.
Cam can't remember feeling more comfortable with a man. Not even his ex-husband. The one Jeff still doesn't know about. That's a discussion for another day.]
Hum away.
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There's not that many people who've gotten this far with him, as far as the whole... emotional intimacy goes. But with Cam, it just feels natural. Comfortable. Even with their occasional blowups.
He takes a sip, and considers for a moment, going through some playlist in his head. Then he starts humming a song that nobody's heard in decades. One of the rare mellow tracks, from an EP of a little SoCal band that broke up when the lead singer went and got semi-possessed by a demon--
Obviously, we're talking about Jeff's band here. Tonight, the Nervous Tix are making a comeback in Cameron Waltz's living room. ]
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He’s asleep before the song is over, breathing softly against Jeff’s neck. Hand almost in his chai. Cam wouldn’t ordinarily allow himself to fall asleep in front of company, years of dangerous work have made him cautious, but with Jeff Cam does so many things he wouldn’t ordinarily do.
Cam doesn’t let his guard down around most men. He’s learned to protect those parts of himself that are soft and vulnerable.
Jeff Calhoun isn’t most men.]
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Gingerly, he plucks the mug from Cam's hand and sets both cups down on the coffee table. ]
C'mon, babe. Let's get you to bed.
[ It takes a little bit of gentle shifting, but Jeff's got Cam in his arms soon enough, to carry him into the bedroom. GOOD THING HE LIFTS, BRO. It comes in handy in so many ways. ]
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The second thing he notices is the emptiness of his bed, which he doesn't remember going back to after their talk last night.
There's a moment when Cam isn't sure there was a last night. Maybe he was dreaming that Jeff Calhoun came to him at 3am, all hazel eyes and sad puppy-dog smile.
Then he smells the coffee, and smiles into his pillow.
Ten or fifteen minutes later Cam drags himself out of bed, sends a quick text to his secretary to say he'll be out of office today (obviously) and trudges sleepily into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes until the world becomes less fuzzy.]
Morning.
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But he's a morning person (thanks to his job), and it's tough to sleep in, even on the days he can. Damn his highly disciplined body! So by the time Cam trudges into the kitchen, Jeff's already called in at work, washed the mugs, made some coffee, and started cooking breakfast. Eggs! And some fruit he found in the fridge and sliced up! And-- well that's as far as he's gotten. He hasn't figured out the rest of the breakfast yet. ]
Heeeey, sleeping beauty. I made coffee.
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[Cam's not his most verbose in the morning. JJ loves to ask him for things before he's had his first hit of caffeine. He can't remember half the things he says yes to. She's even more sly than he is.
Jeff's smile is warmer and brighter than the sun shining in through the kitchen blinds. Waking up to a man making coffee and cooking eggs in his kitchen, looking at him the way Jeff does? Cam could get used to this.
He walks over to Jeff, almost going in for a kiss before stopping himself, blinking with sleepy regret.]
I forgot to brush my teeth.
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Especially because he's so cute first thing in the morning. Jeff leans to the side, reaches past Cam, and swipes a slice of apple from the spread. ]
Here. [ He slips the apple into Cam's mouth. To freshen up!
Teasingly: ] Now nobody can tell.
[ He loops an arm around Cam's waist and goes in for a kiss. ]
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[Is Cam’s only response to that, around the apple occupying his mouth as Jeff kisses him. He isn’t going to argue. A moment of crunching and a swallow, then he’s looping his arms around Jeff’s neck and kissing him back. Soft and slow. Taking his time. Now that Cam isn’t going into the office, he has nowhere to be but here.]
Good morning.
[Did he say that already? Another kiss and he’s leaning into Jeff and looking over his shoulder to peer at the percolating coffee. Cam’s needs upon waking are simple. Coffee. Breakfast. Shower. After that, he’s awake and ready to take on the world.
Until then, Jeff gets this. The rare sighting of Cameron Waltz before he’s emerged from his morning cocoon a powerful masculine butterfly.]
No work?
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I called in. [ There's a beat before he admits: ] The alternative was ducking out while you were still asleep. I think I picked the better option.
What about you?
[ ARE YOU SKIPPING WORK, TOO? ]
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[Cam inhales a mouthful of coffee before speaking. He needs fuel to formulate a proper response.
After last night, it feels like there’s a lot that needs to be said. Some of which he doesn’t want to say before the caffeine kicks in. One hand between Jeff’s shoulder blades and the other holding his mug, he’s also comfortable. More comfortable than he’s ever been in the ‘morning after’ with another man. Usually he’s trying his best not to embarrass himself, self-conscious about his lack of presentation and wit when it feels like that’s all anyone is interested in.
Maybe that’s why it’s felt different with Jeff from the very start. Because he’d already embarrassed himself so many times from the get-go. Cam’s more obvious flaws are nothing Jeff hasn’t seen before.]
I’m glad you didn’t go. When I woke up, I wasn’t sure you were really here. I can’t even remember going back to bed.
[A pause, looking into his coffee with a shy, trying to hide how pleased he is sort of smile.]
Did you carry me?
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I did. It took some maneuvering on account of your height. You're so long!
[ But, hey, Jeff's spent his whole sober life hitting the gym in lieu of mainlining drugs, so. NO PROBLEM. His back's fine! ]
I'm glad we're both playing hooky today.
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[He never thought he’d be able to cross ‘be carried to bed’ off the bucket list, given his height, age, and a number of other factors, but here he is. A man who was hummed to sleep and carried to bed. ]
And it was a good lullaby.
[Cam soaks up the affection without complaint. He honestly can’t get enough. If Cameron Waltz is lacking in anything, it’s love.
Not that Jeff loves him. Not as far as Cam knows, anyway. It’s a little early for that, right? The thought makes him giggle nervously out of seemingly nowhere and pull away from Jeff to sit at the counter. Drinking his coffee as he watches Jeff putter about in a kitchenette almost too small for his broad shoulders. Quietly mulling over everything that happened last night and is continuing to happen this morning.]
Me too. Did you manage to get any sleep? I’m sorry I passed out on you, it wasn’t very considerate of me.
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[ Oddly now, in the light of day, he's a little self conscious about it. For as confident as Jeff is in some respects, there's something so painfully vulnerable in sharing any music he actually composed himself. These days, the rare times he does sing in front of others, it's always covers of other artists. There's safety in that.
He trusts Cam enough that he can be vulnerable with him. Still, there's some part of him that fears that now, in the light of day, Cam would remember his song as the garbage he's long convinced himself that it is.
Jeff's distracted from his little spike of self loathing, at least, when Cam pulls away with a nervous giggle that brings a smile to his face. Fuck, Cam's adorable. He's handsome, and sophisticated, and passionate, intense, occasionally intimidating... and he's so fucking cute and adorable on top of all of that. The fact that he's been single for so long because most men in his league would rather the fantasy of some 24/7 stone cold besuited badass is just... baffling.
It's not just baffling; it's like a goddamn tragedy, with how alienating it must be for Cam. How many men have set their sights on a fantasy of him, without a care for the real person?
He's watching Cam, smiling fondly, for maybe a beat too long, before he remembers breakfast and gets to popping some bread in the toaster. ]
I got a few hours. Uh... [ Spatula in hand, he rubs the back of his neck as he admits: ] Listening to your breathing made it easier to fall asleep. [ He looks over his shoulder, arching his brow. ] Don't even. You got out of bed and made me tea!
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[Jeff’s really going for the jugular. How does Cam defend himself against a man who can disarm him with a simple statement and a smile? He can’t. A fact that’s both terrifying and exciting at the same time. Most of the men he’s been with have been more interested in his resume than a relationship. Doctors. Lawyers. Diplomats. Attractive successful men conducting a different kind of business transaction in the pursuit of furthering their personal and professional ambitions.
Cam’s emotions, and all the baggage that comes with them, have rarely fit into the golden ratio of their ideal partner. Never mind his daughter and her baggage. Jeff has his own daughter, and his own baggage, so he knows what it's like, but would he want any more than he already has? Will he have time, energy, or want for any of this when they return home?
It’s a question that’s been on Cam’s mind since their first date.
He’s probably been staring at Jeff too long and hard, coffee clutched in both hands, his mouth never leaving the rim of the mug. He finishes sooner than later. It’s not unheard of for Cam to go through two or three cups in the morning.]
Were you looking for anyone back home? Seriously, I mean.
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Finding anyone he clicked with was hard, anyone he could imagine fitting into his life with Mel. And he quickly grew tired, too, of people who'd look at him without really listening to him, because they'd already decided he was nice, but stupid, and nothing more. Fun for a lay, and not useful for much else. ]
I wasn't... actively looking. [ There, he admitted it. Jeff brings their plates to the counter with an awkward smile. Well, half-smile, half-grimace. ] With Mel, and work, and everything else, it got to where I started putting it off. You know what it's like, as a single parent. Finding someone you'd even want in your kid's life.
I guess I just stopped trying, after a while.
[ He sits down beside Cam, throwing a glance at him, pausing for a few beats too long before he blurts out: ]
I think Mel would like you. If she were here, or we were back home.
[ SUBTLE, JEFF.
But yeah, obviously Jeff's been thinking about that since his crush on Cameron Waltz evolved into more than just a crush. ]
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[Cam can’t help brightening, because that means… everything. Jeff is all too aware of how JJ feels about him, but Cam knows his daughter better than anyone. She runs hot and cold, just like he does. He has no doubt in his mind she can warm to Jeff, just like he did. JJ isn’t his biological daughter, but they’re so similar in so many ways that she might as well be.
Turning to look at Jeff, one hand on the other man’s leg, he makes his case.]
JJ could like you. I know she can. All she needs is time, and to know you outside of the classroom. She has issues with authority figures. Her parents abandoned her, the village elders exiled her- it’s difficult for her to trust people. When we first met, she didn’t like me either. I carried her kicking and screaming out of that village.
She’s a handful, but she’s mine, and if this were going to be anything- if you wanted this to be anything, then that’s something to consider. My job, as well. It’s dangerous. I travel a lot. What I do here is relatively cushy in comparison. It’s possible we could go for months without seeing each other.
[He pinches the brow of his nose. He should have held off on this conversation until this evening. He’s not at his sharpest, he hasn’t fully thought through what he’s saying, or even what he’s really asking, but there’s no going back now.
A deep breath, gathering himself. As much as he can while still wearing his pajamas.]
What I’m trying to say is I need to know if you have intentions of carrying on back home, or if our time together is limited to this universe. That’s fine, this isn’t an ultimatum, but I’d like to adjust my expectations accordingly. As you know, I’m a very…
[Wait, they aren’t even dating? What is he doing? He’s going to scare Jeff away before they’ve gotten as far as this conversation.
Why can’t he put words to the simple fear of growing too attached and invested in a short term relationship?]
You know what, never mind- this isn’t the time. I’m making something out of nothing. Not that we're nothing, ah-
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But he knows what he wants it to be, at least, and if Cam's already thinking this far ahead, about the complications of their real lives, then it means he probably wants this to be the same thing. Right?
Except Jeff doesn't have much of a chance to respond to any of this yet, because Cam's starting to work himself up into a bundle of nerves. The more he talks, the worse it seems to get. ]
Hey. [ Jeff reaches for Cam's hand, stroking his thumb over the other man's knuckles. ] Easy. It's okay. [ He lifts Cam's hand to press a kiss to it. He'd take it a step further and kiss Cam, full-on, but in the context of this conversation, he's not sure if that would be, like, cheating. A shortcut to reassurance, another deflection so Jeff wouldn't have to directly address things.
He wants to be direct for Cam. ]
If we went home tomorrow, I would still want to continue this. With you. Cameron Waltz. [ NO AMBIGUITY THERE. ] I'd want to at least try.
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Yes. Me too.
[There. Everything he wanted to say in three words. Minus the panic.
Cam slides off of his stool and onto Jeff's lap. Maybe he's being too forward, but he'd like to think they're on the same page now. Carding his fingers through Jeff's hair he looks into his eyes, that sweet honey hazel. He could spread it on toast.]
You're not seeing anyone else, are you? I'm not. I won't, if you don't.
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Mm... Nope. Just you. I'm kinda a one guy kind of guy.
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[It says something about Cam that relaxed and enjoying the moment he can't help but go into negotiation. It's a blessing and a curse.
Cam just wants this to work. Maybe it won't be forever, but he won't forgive himself if he doesn't try. Not with the way Jeff makes him feel. And the way he thinks he might make Jeff feel.
The way Jeff looks at him sometimes... Cam really does feel special, and not because of his affinity, or the fact he's the only man crazy enough to do what he does for a living. The only other man who's ever looked at him like that was Mazin, and even then, it wasn't in his kitchen, after a long night of... talking and sleeping.
Maybe it will work.
Looking down into Jeff's eyes, Cam hopes it does.]
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