[Jeff’s really going for the jugular. How does Cam defend himself against a man who can disarm him with a simple statement and a smile? He can’t. A fact that’s both terrifying and exciting at the same time. Most of the men he’s been with have been more interested in his resume than a relationship. Doctors. Lawyers. Diplomats. Attractive successful men conducting a different kind of business transaction in the pursuit of furthering their personal and professional ambitions.
Cam’s emotions, and all the baggage that comes with them, have rarely fit into the golden ratio of their ideal partner. Never mind his daughter and her baggage. Jeff has his own daughter, and his own baggage, so he knows what it's like, but would he want any more than he already has? Will he have time, energy, or want for any of this when they return home?
It’s a question that’s been on Cam’s mind since their first date.
He’s probably been staring at Jeff too long and hard, coffee clutched in both hands, his mouth never leaving the rim of the mug. He finishes sooner than later. It’s not unheard of for Cam to go through two or three cups in the morning.]
Were you looking for anyone back home? Seriously, I mean.
[ Jeff's plating the eggs by the time Cam asks that question, and grabbing the toast as he considers his response. Because, like with so many things, his situation back home was complicated. He hasn't had a real relationship since his divorce, and that was over a decade ago. He's had plenty of dates-- first dates, second dates, some third dates, with things usually dropping off around that point-- and plenty of opportunities to get laid and that's about it.
Finding anyone he clicked with was hard, anyone he could imagine fitting into his life with Mel. And he quickly grew tired, too, of people who'd look at him without really listening to him, because they'd already decided he was nice, but stupid, and nothing more. Fun for a lay, and not useful for much else. ]
I wasn't... actively looking. [ There, he admitted it. Jeff brings their plates to the counter with an awkward smile. Well, half-smile, half-grimace. ] With Mel, and work, and everything else, it got to where I started putting it off. You know what it's like, as a single parent. Finding someone you'd even want in your kid's life.
I guess I just stopped trying, after a while.
[ He sits down beside Cam, throwing a glance at him, pausing for a few beats too long before he blurts out: ]
I think Mel would like you. If she were here, or we were back home.
[ SUBTLE, JEFF.
But yeah, obviously Jeff's been thinking about that since his crush on Cameron Waltz evolved into more than just a crush. ]
[Cam can’t help brightening, because that means… everything. Jeff is all too aware of how JJ feels about him, but Cam knows his daughter better than anyone. She runs hot and cold, just like he does. He has no doubt in his mind she can warm to Jeff, just like he did. JJ isn’t his biological daughter, but they’re so similar in so many ways that she might as well be.
Turning to look at Jeff, one hand on the other man’s leg, he makes his case.]
JJ could like you. I know she can. All she needs is time, and to know you outside of the classroom. She has issues with authority figures. Her parents abandoned her, the village elders exiled her- it’s difficult for her to trust people. When we first met, she didn’t like me either. I carried her kicking and screaming out of that village.
She’s a handful, but she’s mine, and if this were going to be anything- if you wanted this to be anything, then that’s something to consider. My job, as well. It’s dangerous. I travel a lot. What I do here is relatively cushy in comparison. It’s possible we could go for months without seeing each other.
[He pinches the brow of his nose. He should have held off on this conversation until this evening. He’s not at his sharpest, he hasn’t fully thought through what he’s saying, or even what he’s really asking, but there’s no going back now.
A deep breath, gathering himself. As much as he can while still wearing his pajamas.]
What I’m trying to say is I need to know if you have intentions of carrying on back home, or if our time together is limited to this universe. That’s fine, this isn’t an ultimatum, but I’d like to adjust my expectations accordingly. As you know, I’m a very…
[Wait, they aren’t even dating? What is he doing? He’s going to scare Jeff away before they’ve gotten as far as this conversation.
Why can’t he put words to the simple fear of growing too attached and invested in a short term relationship?]
You know what, never mind- this isn’t the time. I’m making something out of nothing. Not that we're nothing, ah-
[ He listens, because yeah, this is a serious subject, for both of them-- even if Jeff gets the sense that they might have skipped a few conversations between Point A and Point... Z, because Jeff's still not sure what their status even is.
But he knows what he wants it to be, at least, and if Cam's already thinking this far ahead, about the complications of their real lives, then it means he probably wants this to be the same thing. Right?
Except Jeff doesn't have much of a chance to respond to any of this yet, because Cam's starting to work himself up into a bundle of nerves. The more he talks, the worse it seems to get. ]
Hey. [ Jeff reaches for Cam's hand, stroking his thumb over the other man's knuckles. ] Easy. It's okay. [ He lifts Cam's hand to press a kiss to it. He'd take it a step further and kiss Cam, full-on, but in the context of this conversation, he's not sure if that would be, like, cheating. A shortcut to reassurance, another deflection so Jeff wouldn't have to directly address things.
He wants to be direct for Cam. ]
If we went home tomorrow, I would still want to continue this. With you. Cameron Waltz. [ NO AMBIGUITY THERE. ] I'd want to at least try.
[Cam answers that directness with a kiss, squeezing Jeff's hand at the same time. It's funny the way they work together. Checking and balancing. Jeff speaking so Cam doesn't have to. Cam kissing Jeff and taking that step further for them both.]
Yes. Me too.
[There. Everything he wanted to say in three words. Minus the panic.
Cam slides off of his stool and onto Jeff's lap. Maybe he's being too forward, but he'd like to think they're on the same page now. Carding his fingers through Jeff's hair he looks into his eyes, that sweet honey hazel. He could spread it on toast.]
You're not seeing anyone else, are you? I'm not. I won't, if you don't.
[ They're well past worries of 'too forward,' and Jeff's only too happy to slide his arms around Cam's waist and hold him steady while he tips his head back to look up at Cam. There's a low hum in his throat, contented, as Cam threads his fingers through his hair. ]
Mm... Nope. Just you. I'm kinda a one guy kind of guy.
[It says something about Cam that relaxed and enjoying the moment he can't help but go into negotiation. It's a blessing and a curse.
Cam just wants this to work. Maybe it won't be forever, but he won't forgive himself if he doesn't try. Not with the way Jeff makes him feel. And the way he thinks he might make Jeff feel.
The way Jeff looks at him sometimes... Cam really does feel special, and not because of his affinity, or the fact he's the only man crazy enough to do what he does for a living. The only other man who's ever looked at him like that was Mazin, and even then, it wasn't in his kitchen, after a long night of... talking and sleeping.
Maybe it will work.
Looking down into Jeff's eyes, Cam hopes it does.]
[ Let this be a lesson to Jeff: his tendency to sometimes answer a question without really answering it isn't gonna fly with Cam-- at least not this early into things. When it comes to the heart, Cam's the kind of guy who needs real assurance, without any wiggle room for uncertainty or vagueness.
So Jeff holds his gaze, his smile warm and assuring, as he pulls Cam even closer. ]
We're exclusive. [ He doesn't even toss in a silly joke to undercut the sincerity of this moment! ] You really are somebody special, Cam.
[They're exclusive. That's a huge weight off his shoulders. Cam tried not to become too invested too quickly, that's always his downfall, but with Jeff it was next to impossible. They couldn't keep away from each other when they couldn't stand each other. After Cam started seeing Jeff for the man he was, and liking that man? There's a reason they had sex three times the night of their first date, and it isn't because Cam was desperate.
Jeff says he's special and Cam draws a breath, his eyes widening slightly. His first instinct is to look away, his shy defense against the assault of Jeff's charm, but he can't bring himself to look away from his eyes. Every time Cam feels like he's falling too fast for Jeff Calhoun, Jeff finds a way to make him fall harder and faster.
His fingers twist in the hair at the nape of Jeff's neck, chest rising against his.]
I've always wanted someone to say that. I never thought it would be you.
[He leans in, kissing Jeff again, deeply, before pulling back to look at him again.]
You're special too. I knew it the moment I saw you.
[Cam's been told he's special before, but not in the same way. It's always a commentary on his accomplishments, skill, or affinity. On a more personal level, his work ethic, determination, eloquence, style, and occasionally his appearance.
What Jeff seems to like in him, no man has liked before, some even expressing their dislike for the facets of himself that have existed since childbirth. His sensitivity, emotion, and shyness all negatives to be checked against his more attractive attributes, even if they're learned, or in some cases artificial. Like so much of his confidence and cool.
Jeff's always touching him, and Cam's never wanted to be touched more. Because it feels like Jeff is touching him, and not an idealized version of himself, or utter fantasy.
Cam's only ever wanted to be one person's daddy, and that's his daughter.]
At the club. During your concert, and after. I couldn't stop watching you. You had this energy, like you were really living in that moment, and just being yourself, and who you were was so interesting, and sexy, and expressive...
[He looks down, embarrassed. Because he remembers so much about that night, and about Jeff, a guy he'd know for all of a couple hours, who forgot about him as soon as his back was turned. Even now, it's still more than a little pathetic.]
[ It's funny, Jeff spent so long denying, or hating, the person he'd been-- that utterly reckless musician with dreams of fame-- that he can't quite reconcile the version of himself Cam describes with the shade in the forest. But he trusts Cam, whose perspective hasn't been tainted by trauma and all kinds of fucked up shit.
It's a little bittersweet to hear. He wonders, sometimes, more often than he'd care to admit, whether he could've made it. If he had that lighting strike combo of skill, talent, and the 'it' factor, or if that crash and burn into failure was always inevitable. He would've fallen hard into addiction either way, he's sure. But the way Cam describes him, he thinks that version of Jeff Calhoun could've gone far.
Is it really recovery to give up such a big part of yourself?
He still can't stop thinking about that, even now. Even after last night's talk. The fucking forest... It stirred up so many things he thought were long gone and buried.
There's something like grief and regret that flickers across his face, just for a moment, before Jeff's shaking it off with a smile. ]
You might be the only person who remembers that version of me. [ A beat. ] I'm glad someone does.
[ This is in danger of getting too heavy for Jeff. Like he already had enough of the heavy shit last night, and he doesn't want to fling more at Cam.
So, teasingly: ] Hey... Don't I owe you a blowjob?
[Cam looks back up, smiling. He isn't going to go there if Jeff isn't in the mood, after last night Cam could use some lightness too, but he can't just leave it at that.
He's always felt a need to express himself, even at his own detriment. Cam is too much about communication to be happy withholding his thoughts and emotions from his partner.]
You're still that person, Jeff. We don't become other people as we get older. We simply expand and evolve. So now you're a rock-star, father, and teacher, which makes you even more interesting and attractive than you already were.
You've never been sexier.
[He punctuates that statement with a kiss to the tip of Jeff's nose, hands squeezing his shoulders.]
I would love a blowjob, but I think you owe me breakfast, first. I'll need my energy if you expect me to stay awake after coming so early in the morning.
[Stated very matter of factly. As one does when discussing morning sex.]
[ Jeff goes quiet for a few moments, though the pensive expression breaks when Cam kisses his nose, a bright smile blooming in its place. ]
It's not an age thing. It's... the other stuff. You know?
[ The way the drugs and the demon tainted everything good about that period in his life. Still... He can't pretend it doesn't feel good, the hearing the way Cam sees him, then and now. Maybe his approach had been all wrong, burying that part of himself that wanted nothing more than to shine brighter than everyone else. ]
I guess I forgot the good things about the rock star. [ He leans up to kiss Cam, lips lingering close. ] Until you reminded me.
[ Pause. Oh, breakfast, right. ]
Oh, shit! The eggs, yeah! We gotta eat before it gets cold!
[ Sliding his hands down Cam's back, slow and reluctant to let go. ]
C'mon, we gotta get you good and energized if we're gonna make the most of skipping work. [ A wolfish grin curls at the corners of his mouth. ] Especially since I'm all wound up from skipping my run.
[Does he have to specify which one? Cam climbs off Jeff's laps and returns to his stool, fingers drumming over the counter beside his place setting.
Cam drops a slipper off one foot to drag his toe innocently along Jeff's outer calf. When he's close enough to touch, Cam wants to touch him. When they're together he wants to be as together as they can be. In constant contact. Conversation. Cuddling. Sex.]
You'd better eat while you can. Another coffee and I'll be doing laps around you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Jeff’s really going for the jugular. How does Cam defend himself against a man who can disarm him with a simple statement and a smile? He can’t. A fact that’s both terrifying and exciting at the same time. Most of the men he’s been with have been more interested in his resume than a relationship. Doctors. Lawyers. Diplomats. Attractive successful men conducting a different kind of business transaction in the pursuit of furthering their personal and professional ambitions.
Cam’s emotions, and all the baggage that comes with them, have rarely fit into the golden ratio of their ideal partner. Never mind his daughter and her baggage. Jeff has his own daughter, and his own baggage, so he knows what it's like, but would he want any more than he already has? Will he have time, energy, or want for any of this when they return home?
It’s a question that’s been on Cam’s mind since their first date.
He’s probably been staring at Jeff too long and hard, coffee clutched in both hands, his mouth never leaving the rim of the mug. He finishes sooner than later. It’s not unheard of for Cam to go through two or three cups in the morning.]
Were you looking for anyone back home? Seriously, I mean.
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Finding anyone he clicked with was hard, anyone he could imagine fitting into his life with Mel. And he quickly grew tired, too, of people who'd look at him without really listening to him, because they'd already decided he was nice, but stupid, and nothing more. Fun for a lay, and not useful for much else. ]
I wasn't... actively looking. [ There, he admitted it. Jeff brings their plates to the counter with an awkward smile. Well, half-smile, half-grimace. ] With Mel, and work, and everything else, it got to where I started putting it off. You know what it's like, as a single parent. Finding someone you'd even want in your kid's life.
I guess I just stopped trying, after a while.
[ He sits down beside Cam, throwing a glance at him, pausing for a few beats too long before he blurts out: ]
I think Mel would like you. If she were here, or we were back home.
[ SUBTLE, JEFF.
But yeah, obviously Jeff's been thinking about that since his crush on Cameron Waltz evolved into more than just a crush. ]
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[Cam can’t help brightening, because that means… everything. Jeff is all too aware of how JJ feels about him, but Cam knows his daughter better than anyone. She runs hot and cold, just like he does. He has no doubt in his mind she can warm to Jeff, just like he did. JJ isn’t his biological daughter, but they’re so similar in so many ways that she might as well be.
Turning to look at Jeff, one hand on the other man’s leg, he makes his case.]
JJ could like you. I know she can. All she needs is time, and to know you outside of the classroom. She has issues with authority figures. Her parents abandoned her, the village elders exiled her- it’s difficult for her to trust people. When we first met, she didn’t like me either. I carried her kicking and screaming out of that village.
She’s a handful, but she’s mine, and if this were going to be anything- if you wanted this to be anything, then that’s something to consider. My job, as well. It’s dangerous. I travel a lot. What I do here is relatively cushy in comparison. It’s possible we could go for months without seeing each other.
[He pinches the brow of his nose. He should have held off on this conversation until this evening. He’s not at his sharpest, he hasn’t fully thought through what he’s saying, or even what he’s really asking, but there’s no going back now.
A deep breath, gathering himself. As much as he can while still wearing his pajamas.]
What I’m trying to say is I need to know if you have intentions of carrying on back home, or if our time together is limited to this universe. That’s fine, this isn’t an ultimatum, but I’d like to adjust my expectations accordingly. As you know, I’m a very…
[Wait, they aren’t even dating? What is he doing? He’s going to scare Jeff away before they’ve gotten as far as this conversation.
Why can’t he put words to the simple fear of growing too attached and invested in a short term relationship?]
You know what, never mind- this isn’t the time. I’m making something out of nothing. Not that we're nothing, ah-
no subject
But he knows what he wants it to be, at least, and if Cam's already thinking this far ahead, about the complications of their real lives, then it means he probably wants this to be the same thing. Right?
Except Jeff doesn't have much of a chance to respond to any of this yet, because Cam's starting to work himself up into a bundle of nerves. The more he talks, the worse it seems to get. ]
Hey. [ Jeff reaches for Cam's hand, stroking his thumb over the other man's knuckles. ] Easy. It's okay. [ He lifts Cam's hand to press a kiss to it. He'd take it a step further and kiss Cam, full-on, but in the context of this conversation, he's not sure if that would be, like, cheating. A shortcut to reassurance, another deflection so Jeff wouldn't have to directly address things.
He wants to be direct for Cam. ]
If we went home tomorrow, I would still want to continue this. With you. Cameron Waltz. [ NO AMBIGUITY THERE. ] I'd want to at least try.
no subject
Yes. Me too.
[There. Everything he wanted to say in three words. Minus the panic.
Cam slides off of his stool and onto Jeff's lap. Maybe he's being too forward, but he'd like to think they're on the same page now. Carding his fingers through Jeff's hair he looks into his eyes, that sweet honey hazel. He could spread it on toast.]
You're not seeing anyone else, are you? I'm not. I won't, if you don't.
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Mm... Nope. Just you. I'm kinda a one guy kind of guy.
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[It says something about Cam that relaxed and enjoying the moment he can't help but go into negotiation. It's a blessing and a curse.
Cam just wants this to work. Maybe it won't be forever, but he won't forgive himself if he doesn't try. Not with the way Jeff makes him feel. And the way he thinks he might make Jeff feel.
The way Jeff looks at him sometimes... Cam really does feel special, and not because of his affinity, or the fact he's the only man crazy enough to do what he does for a living. The only other man who's ever looked at him like that was Mazin, and even then, it wasn't in his kitchen, after a long night of... talking and sleeping.
Maybe it will work.
Looking down into Jeff's eyes, Cam hopes it does.]
no subject
So Jeff holds his gaze, his smile warm and assuring, as he pulls Cam even closer. ]
We're exclusive. [ He doesn't even toss in a silly joke to undercut the sincerity of this moment! ] You really are somebody special, Cam.
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Jeff says he's special and Cam draws a breath, his eyes widening slightly. His first instinct is to look away, his shy defense against the assault of Jeff's charm, but he can't bring himself to look away from his eyes. Every time Cam feels like he's falling too fast for Jeff Calhoun, Jeff finds a way to make him fall harder and faster.
His fingers twist in the hair at the nape of Jeff's neck, chest rising against his.]
I've always wanted someone to say that. I never thought it would be you.
[He leans in, kissing Jeff again, deeply, before pulling back to look at him again.]
You're special too. I knew it the moment I saw you.
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Then I'll have to say it again and again. [ He grins, a hint of a more rakish man there. ] To make up for lost time.
[ Jeff raises up to meet Cam's lips. And then... he blinks, looking surprised for a moment. ]
You mean...?
[ In the classroom, or at the club? ]
no subject
What Jeff seems to like in him, no man has liked before, some even expressing their dislike for the facets of himself that have existed since childbirth. His sensitivity, emotion, and shyness all negatives to be checked against his more attractive attributes, even if they're learned, or in some cases artificial. Like so much of his confidence and cool.
Jeff's always touching him, and Cam's never wanted to be touched more. Because it feels like Jeff is touching him, and not an idealized version of himself, or utter fantasy.
Cam's only ever wanted to be one person's daddy, and that's his daughter.]
At the club. During your concert, and after. I couldn't stop watching you. You had this energy, like you were really living in that moment, and just being yourself, and who you were was so interesting, and sexy, and expressive...
[He looks down, embarrassed. Because he remembers so much about that night, and about Jeff, a guy he'd know for all of a couple hours, who forgot about him as soon as his back was turned. Even now, it's still more than a little pathetic.]
Anyway, I think you still have that.
no subject
It's a little bittersweet to hear. He wonders, sometimes, more often than he'd care to admit, whether he could've made it. If he had that lighting strike combo of skill, talent, and the 'it' factor, or if that crash and burn into failure was always inevitable. He would've fallen hard into addiction either way, he's sure. But the way Cam describes him, he thinks that version of Jeff Calhoun could've gone far.
Is it really recovery to give up such a big part of yourself?
He still can't stop thinking about that, even now. Even after last night's talk. The fucking forest... It stirred up so many things he thought were long gone and buried.
There's something like grief and regret that flickers across his face, just for a moment, before Jeff's shaking it off with a smile. ]
You might be the only person who remembers that version of me. [ A beat. ] I'm glad someone does.
[ This is in danger of getting too heavy for Jeff. Like he already had enough of the heavy shit last night, and he doesn't want to fling more at Cam.
So, teasingly: ] Hey... Don't I owe you a blowjob?
no subject
He's always felt a need to express himself, even at his own detriment. Cam is too much about communication to be happy withholding his thoughts and emotions from his partner.]
You're still that person, Jeff. We don't become other people as we get older. We simply expand and evolve. So now you're a rock-star, father, and teacher, which makes you even more interesting and attractive than you already were.
You've never been sexier.
[He punctuates that statement with a kiss to the tip of Jeff's nose, hands squeezing his shoulders.]
I would love a blowjob, but I think you owe me breakfast, first. I'll need my energy if you expect me to stay awake after coming so early in the morning.
[Stated very matter of factly. As one does when discussing morning sex.]
no subject
It's not an age thing. It's... the other stuff. You know?
[ The way the drugs and the demon tainted everything good about that period in his life. Still... He can't pretend it doesn't feel good, the hearing the way Cam sees him, then and now. Maybe his approach had been all wrong, burying that part of himself that wanted nothing more than to shine brighter than everyone else. ]
I guess I forgot the good things about the rock star. [ He leans up to kiss Cam, lips lingering close. ] Until you reminded me.
[ Pause. Oh, breakfast, right. ]
Oh, shit! The eggs, yeah! We gotta eat before it gets cold!
[ Sliding his hands down Cam's back, slow and reluctant to let go. ]
C'mon, we gotta get you good and energized if we're gonna make the most of skipping work. [ A wolfish grin curls at the corners of his mouth. ] Especially since I'm all wound up from skipping my run.
no subject
I think I just found my appetite.
[Does he have to specify which one? Cam climbs off Jeff's laps and returns to his stool, fingers drumming over the counter beside his place setting.
Cam drops a slipper off one foot to drag his toe innocently along Jeff's outer calf. When he's close enough to touch, Cam wants to touch him. When they're together he wants to be as together as they can be. In constant contact. Conversation. Cuddling. Sex.]
You'd better eat while you can. Another coffee and I'll be doing laps around you.