[ Jeff hadn't even realized he'd been getting agitated as he spoke, antsy tapping with his fingers, a bit of jitteriness in his legs. He doesn't realize it until Cam's kissing him and he feels some sense of calm draping over him. He closes his eyes, feeling, in the moment, like it's just the two of them. Just Jeff and Cam, and no specters of his past.
He looks at Cam, and he can see compassion and tenderness in him. Jeff trusts him... but there's still a voice that tells him all that will change once Cam learns what kind of person he really is.
As if the forest hadn't done that already. ]
Not the singing, exactly. The ritual. [ He pauses, trying to work the words out in his head before he explains. ] I wasn't at drug rehab. I mean, that was part of my treatment plan, but. Ah... It was a recovery center for, like, magic related shit. [ He cringes a little. ] Inpatient care for Gifted fuckups.
I used to cast all the time. You remember it, at my show, right?
[He strokes the baby hairs at the nape of Jeff's neck. Trying to support without smothering. It's hard, because some part of him does want to wrap Jeff up and tell him everything will be okay. Cam is so used to making everyone else's problems his own. He's made a career out of it.
But Jeff isn't a client, victim, or mark. He's his... Well, they haven't quite figured that out yet.]
What happened? I won't judge you. Trust me when I say I've made my own share of Gifted fuck-ups.
My shows, all that magic, the crowds feeding into the rituals, it-- I kind of... [ Fuck, this is hard, because it's painful, all the memories surrounding it are painful. And it's shameful, too, how stupid and reckless he'd been, because this kind of shit doesn't just happen to 99.9% of Gifted people in the first place. But here comes Jeff, world champion at fucking up. ] I kind of... accidentally... pulled a demon to me.
[ Oddly, it was easier to mention that to Alex-- somebody with experience with the fuckers, but not from his world-- than to Cam. He laughs, dry and humorless, and adds: ]
It said it was my biggest fan. I still remember that. The first thing it ever said to me... [ Jeff pauses, brow furrowed as he thinks back on it. ] It's like something takes up residence in your head. And you're pretty sure it's not you, but sometimes you wonder: "Is this me? Am I just crazy?"
Edited (I hate phone tagging) 2018-09-05 21:48 (UTC)
[A demon. Cam's never dealt with one directly, but he's read case files. The MIA keeps an eye out, especially on those in power, who are at greater risk for demonic possession than most, and are in the position to inflict the most damage under demonic influence.
There's little information regarding possession in the general populace. With most ending in suicide or acts of violence, it's nearly impossible to weed out the mentally ill from the demon-touched. Jeff's explanation paints a picture he'd never imagined.
Cam doesn't know what to say immediately, so he doesn't rush to speak. Simply hugs Jeff. Holds him close against him.
When he does speak, it's softly.]
That would scare anyone, Jeff. You're not a coward, and you're not a burn-out. Most people don't survive possessions. The fact you made it out alive means you're stronger than most.
I can see why you're afraid to sing again. I would be too.
[A pause, breathing into the thought of telling Jeff something about himself only one person knows.]
It's not the same, but sometimes if I reach too deeply inside of people, with my gift, I know I could take more than control from them. And sometimes it's very hard to say no, when they've done something wrong, or hurt other people.
I don't know what it is. Their life. Their soul. But I do know if I take it, there's no coming back from that.
We're all capable of that kind of darkness, in different ways.
[ He manages to set his mug on the coffee table before Cam pulls him into a hug. Usually, Jeff's the one doing the holding and hugging. Not with Cam, but just. In the past, in his relationships or friendships or even the casual hookups. He's pretty good at being emotional support for others, he figures, and he keeps the really serious stuff so close to his chest that he doesn't often need to lean on others, anyway.
He hadn't realized just how badly he needed this until Cam's holding him, how much of a relief it is that he can just close his eyes and press his face to the other man's shoulder, breathe him in and listen to his words. He slips his arms around Cam, relaxing. It's a load off to just to be able to talk about this, not just with another person, but with Cam, specifically.
The only thing he says, he murmurs into Cam's shoulder: ] Music was my whole life. [ And after that thing was through with him, he had to make a life out of anything but music. And he tried to shrug off all the shit that was said in the forest, but he still can't shake the specter of himself, questioning if it's really recovery at all, when you deny what makes you you.
Jeff opens his eyes and lifts his head as Cam talks about his gift. He has little experience with Affinities, and shadow magic in particular... Cam's the only person he's ever even met who could use it. He'd only ever assumed it was about the same as any other Gifted person's magic.
He stares at Cam for a few moments, digesting that. Even if Cam's voice was soft, there's a weight to what he said, a significance to it that Jeff just wants to cherish. ] I don't know how you do it. [ There's awe and admiration, as if he's never met a man like Cameron Waltz before. ] How you can look at that kind of darkness and stand up to it.
[ Jeff never could. There's that deep, dark secret of his. The only reason the demon didn't get everything it wanted wasn't because Jeff was stronger than it; it was because he'd been too weak. Which he's thankful for, absolutely. But he'll never forget that he would have summoned it properly if he could've, if only to get it out of his goddamn head. ]
[Cam looks back at Jeff, half-smiling. He really isn't worthy of awe. He's just a man. The same as Jeff is. Cameron Waltz may be accomplished in many areas, but mentally and emotionally? He may actually be more fragile than most.
Maybe there's something to be said for struggling from such an early age, even if it feels like a lifetime of weakness. By the time he was an adult, and the threats to his psyche were real, he was used to fighting.]
If thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee. I'm just too afraid to look. Because I'm afraid I'll see me looking back at me, and have proof that everyone who gave me shit over my affinity was right. That I'm not gifted. I'm cursed.
I've been wanting to prove those people wrong from the first time I saw my shadow. So maybe there's some anger there too. Bitterness. Defiance.
[Cam touches Jeff's face, thumb stroking his cheek.]
For what it's worth, I found hiding from my own shadow only made it that much more difficult. I think you should try singing, if you can, and know Athena and I won't let anything happen to you.
I was angry for a long time, too. Growing up, hearing all the stereotypes. Knowing people expected the worst from you. [ Now he defies people's expectations, but in the past? He lived up to the worst of what people expected from bards. Jeff starts to smile. ] I don't see a curse when I look at your shadow. For what it's worth.
[ The offer has his smile broadening. He feels lighter now than he has in days. Jesus, he could even fall asleep at this rate. ]
Keep talking like that, and I just might find it in me to serenade you. [ For now, though, he'll just kiss Cam. ]
[Cam leans into the kiss, lingering, in no rush to pull away from Jeff, or this moment.
It's proof of something. Trust. Intimacy. Maybe even... Cam won't let his mind go that far yet, but his heart goes on without him. Thumping loud and steady against his ribs like a heavy drum.
He smiles against Jeff's lips, relaxing against him.]
Thank you. And I would very much like to be serenaded.
[ Jeff reaches for Cam's hand, intertwining their fingers together. He actually would like to sing for Cam right now, if he could, if it weren't for all the shit he's still trying to shake off from the forest.
But he wants to believe it's true, that he can sing for others, lace his melodies with ritual, and it'll be safe, because he's got Cam and Athena looking out for him.
Maybe one day, he can try. Tonight, though... ]
In the meantime, I can hum a pretty kickass lullaby. If you want to get some sleep.
[Cam rests his head on Jeff's shoulder, lightly squeezing his hand, warm mug of chai held between his thighs.
All things considered, it's not a bad way to end the night. Even after sharing parts of themselves deemed ugly or unacceptable, by society or themselves. The fact they're still holding each other, even knowing one another's flaws was worth the risk.
Cam can't remember feeling more comfortable with a man. Not even his ex-husband. The one Jeff still doesn't know about. That's a discussion for another day.]
[ Jeff reaches to reclaim his mug, because by god he's going to finish this chai. Even if they only scratched the surface with their various and many issues, it feels significant, like there's one less wall that's standing between them.
There's not that many people who've gotten this far with him, as far as the whole... emotional intimacy goes. But with Cam, it just feels natural. Comfortable. Even with their occasional blowups.
He takes a sip, and considers for a moment, going through some playlist in his head. Then he starts humming a song that nobody's heard in decades. One of the rare mellow tracks, from an EP of a little SoCal band that broke up when the lead singer went and got semi-possessed by a demon--
Obviously, we're talking about Jeff's band here. Tonight, the Nervous Tix are making a comeback in Cameron Waltz's living room. ]
[Cam doesn’t recognize the song, but he knows it’s one of Jeff’s. Because it sounds like him. Has his essence. Where could Jeff Calhoun have gone without a demon on his back? Cam thinks as he’s falling asleep that Jeff could have been famous. He’s always been special. Then and now. Knowing Jeff was forced to damper that shine out of fear for himself and others is a tragedy in and of itself.
He’s asleep before the song is over, breathing softly against Jeff’s neck. Hand almost in his chai. Cam wouldn’t ordinarily allow himself to fall asleep in front of company, years of dangerous work have made him cautious, but with Jeff Cam does so many things he wouldn’t ordinarily do.
Cam doesn’t let his guard down around most men. He’s learned to protect those parts of himself that are soft and vulnerable.
[ He trails off once he notices Cam's fallen asleep against him. The soft breathing on his neck, steady and rhythmic... He could fall asleep right here, like this, except there's no way two 6' tall forty-somethings could sleep on the couch without wrecking their backs.
Gingerly, he plucks the mug from Cam's hand and sets both cups down on the coffee table. ]
C'mon, babe. Let's get you to bed.
[ It takes a little bit of gentle shifting, but Jeff's got Cam in his arms soon enough, to carry him into the bedroom. GOOD THING HE LIFTS, BRO. It comes in handy in so many ways. ]
[Cam opens his eyes at 10 the next morning. The first thing he noticed is the time. His alarm was set for 8, but his bedside clock has a funny way of turning itself off when he doesn't want to wake up.
The second thing he notices is the emptiness of his bed, which he doesn't remember going back to after their talk last night.
There's a moment when Cam isn't sure there was a last night. Maybe he was dreaming that Jeff Calhoun came to him at 3am, all hazel eyes and sad puppy-dog smile.
Then he smells the coffee, and smiles into his pillow.
Ten or fifteen minutes later Cam drags himself out of bed, sends a quick text to his secretary to say he'll be out of office today (obviously) and trudges sleepily into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes until the world becomes less fuzzy.]
[ Jeff managed to get some sleep. It wasn't just their talk that did it; it was Cam. His presence, awake or asleep, eased Jeff's mind out of the iron grip of his anxiety, allowed him to actually get a few hours in.
But he's a morning person (thanks to his job), and it's tough to sleep in, even on the days he can. Damn his highly disciplined body! So by the time Cam trudges into the kitchen, Jeff's already called in at work, washed the mugs, made some coffee, and started cooking breakfast. Eggs! And some fruit he found in the fridge and sliced up! And-- well that's as far as he's gotten. He hasn't figured out the rest of the breakfast yet. ]
[Cam's not his most verbose in the morning. JJ loves to ask him for things before he's had his first hit of caffeine. He can't remember half the things he says yes to. She's even more sly than he is.
Jeff's smile is warmer and brighter than the sun shining in through the kitchen blinds. Waking up to a man making coffee and cooking eggs in his kitchen, looking at him the way Jeff does? Cam could get used to this.
He walks over to Jeff, almost going in for a kiss before stopping himself, blinking with sleepy regret.]
[ Jeff would point out that once you've gotten your mouth on another person's genitals and adjacent areas, morning breath isn't that big a deal. Like, he's not a fan of it under ideal circumstances, but he's not gonna refuse a kiss from Cam on those grounds!
Especially because he's so cute first thing in the morning. Jeff leans to the side, reaches past Cam, and swipes a slice of apple from the spread. ]
Here. [ He slips the apple into Cam's mouth. To freshen up!
Teasingly: ] Now nobody can tell.
[ He loops an arm around Cam's waist and goes in for a kiss. ]
[Is Cam’s only response to that, around the apple occupying his mouth as Jeff kisses him. He isn’t going to argue. A moment of crunching and a swallow, then he’s looping his arms around Jeff’s neck and kissing him back. Soft and slow. Taking his time. Now that Cam isn’t going into the office, he has nowhere to be but here.]
Good morning.
[Did he say that already? Another kiss and he’s leaning into Jeff and looking over his shoulder to peer at the percolating coffee. Cam’s needs upon waking are simple. Coffee. Breakfast. Shower. After that, he’s awake and ready to take on the world.
Until then, Jeff gets this. The rare sighting of Cameron Waltz before he’s emerged from his morning cocoon a powerful masculine butterfly.]
Goooood morning. [ Nice and slow and languid. Unlike the night before (well, early morning), Jeff seems totally at ease right now. The few hours of sleep did him good. He passes Cam a coffee mug. ]
I called in. [ There's a beat before he admits: ] The alternative was ducking out while you were still asleep. I think I picked the better option.
[Cam inhales a mouthful of coffee before speaking. He needs fuel to formulate a proper response.
After last night, it feels like there’s a lot that needs to be said. Some of which he doesn’t want to say before the caffeine kicks in. One hand between Jeff’s shoulder blades and the other holding his mug, he’s also comfortable. More comfortable than he’s ever been in the ‘morning after’ with another man. Usually he’s trying his best not to embarrass himself, self-conscious about his lack of presentation and wit when it feels like that’s all anyone is interested in.
Maybe that’s why it’s felt different with Jeff from the very start. Because he’d already embarrassed himself so many times from the get-go. Cam’s more obvious flaws are nothing Jeff hasn’t seen before.]
I’m glad you didn’t go. When I woke up, I wasn’t sure you were really here. I can’t even remember going back to bed.
[A pause, looking into his coffee with a shy, trying to hide how pleased he is sort of smile.]
I hummed you a lullaby, and you dozed right off. [ Jeff gives him a series of affectionate nuzzles-slash-kisses on the neck and shoulder before going for his own coffee mug. Look, he's an affectionate person in general, and even if they haven't defined anything yet, Jeff's still comfortable enough with Cam to just... be his touchy-feely self. ]
I did. It took some maneuvering on account of your height. You're so long!
[ But, hey, Jeff's spent his whole sober life hitting the gym in lieu of mainlining drugs, so. NO PROBLEM. His back's fine! ]
That was very sweet of you. My back owes you a debt of gratitude.
[He never thought he’d be able to cross ‘be carried to bed’ off the bucket list, given his height, age, and a number of other factors, but here he is. A man who was hummed to sleep and carried to bed. ]
And it was a good lullaby.
[Cam soaks up the affection without complaint. He honestly can’t get enough. If Cameron Waltz is lacking in anything, it’s love.
Not that Jeff loves him. Not as far as Cam knows, anyway. It’s a little early for that, right? The thought makes him giggle nervously out of seemingly nowhere and pull away from Jeff to sit at the counter. Drinking his coffee as he watches Jeff putter about in a kitchenette almost too small for his broad shoulders. Quietly mulling over everything that happened last night and is continuing to happen this morning.]
Me too. Did you manage to get any sleep? I’m sorry I passed out on you, it wasn’t very considerate of me.
[ Oddly now, in the light of day, he's a little self conscious about it. For as confident as Jeff is in some respects, there's something so painfully vulnerable in sharing any music he actually composed himself. These days, the rare times he does sing in front of others, it's always covers of other artists. There's safety in that.
He trusts Cam enough that he can be vulnerable with him. Still, there's some part of him that fears that now, in the light of day, Cam would remember his song as the garbage he's long convinced himself that it is.
Jeff's distracted from his little spike of self loathing, at least, when Cam pulls away with a nervous giggle that brings a smile to his face. Fuck, Cam's adorable. He's handsome, and sophisticated, and passionate, intense, occasionally intimidating... and he's so fucking cute and adorable on top of all of that. The fact that he's been single for so long because most men in his league would rather the fantasy of some 24/7 stone cold besuited badass is just... baffling.
It's not just baffling; it's like a goddamn tragedy, with how alienating it must be for Cam. How many men have set their sights on a fantasy of him, without a care for the real person?
He's watching Cam, smiling fondly, for maybe a beat too long, before he remembers breakfast and gets to popping some bread in the toaster. ]
I got a few hours. Uh... [ Spatula in hand, he rubs the back of his neck as he admits: ] Listening to your breathing made it easier to fall asleep. [ He looks over his shoulder, arching his brow. ] Don't even. You got out of bed and made me tea!
[Jeff’s really going for the jugular. How does Cam defend himself against a man who can disarm him with a simple statement and a smile? He can’t. A fact that’s both terrifying and exciting at the same time. Most of the men he’s been with have been more interested in his resume than a relationship. Doctors. Lawyers. Diplomats. Attractive successful men conducting a different kind of business transaction in the pursuit of furthering their personal and professional ambitions.
Cam’s emotions, and all the baggage that comes with them, have rarely fit into the golden ratio of their ideal partner. Never mind his daughter and her baggage. Jeff has his own daughter, and his own baggage, so he knows what it's like, but would he want any more than he already has? Will he have time, energy, or want for any of this when they return home?
It’s a question that’s been on Cam’s mind since their first date.
He’s probably been staring at Jeff too long and hard, coffee clutched in both hands, his mouth never leaving the rim of the mug. He finishes sooner than later. It’s not unheard of for Cam to go through two or three cups in the morning.]
Were you looking for anyone back home? Seriously, I mean.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Cam closes the space between them to kiss Jeff on the lips. Softly. Tenderly. Because there's only so much words can say.
What happened in the forest was bad for everyone. Cam doesn't think Jeff is any less of a man for it. He's still attracted to him.
And still falling for him.]
Are you scared singing will trigger a relapse? Because I can tell you right now, Athena and I won't let that happen.
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He looks at Cam, and he can see compassion and tenderness in him. Jeff trusts him... but there's still a voice that tells him all that will change once Cam learns what kind of person he really is.
As if the forest hadn't done that already. ]
Not the singing, exactly. The ritual. [ He pauses, trying to work the words out in his head before he explains. ] I wasn't at drug rehab. I mean, that was part of my treatment plan, but. Ah... It was a recovery center for, like, magic related shit. [ He cringes a little. ] Inpatient care for Gifted fuckups.
I used to cast all the time. You remember it, at my show, right?
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[He strokes the baby hairs at the nape of Jeff's neck. Trying to support without smothering. It's hard, because some part of him does want to wrap Jeff up and tell him everything will be okay. Cam is so used to making everyone else's problems his own. He's made a career out of it.
But Jeff isn't a client, victim, or mark. He's his... Well, they haven't quite figured that out yet.]
What happened? I won't judge you. Trust me when I say I've made my own share of Gifted fuck-ups.
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My shows, all that magic, the crowds feeding into the rituals, it-- I kind of... [ Fuck, this is hard, because it's painful, all the memories surrounding it are painful. And it's shameful, too, how stupid and reckless he'd been, because this kind of shit doesn't just happen to 99.9% of Gifted people in the first place. But here comes Jeff, world champion at fucking up. ] I kind of... accidentally... pulled a demon to me.
[ Oddly, it was easier to mention that to Alex-- somebody with experience with the fuckers, but not from his world-- than to Cam. He laughs, dry and humorless, and adds: ]
It said it was my biggest fan. I still remember that. The first thing it ever said to me... [ Jeff pauses, brow furrowed as he thinks back on it. ] It's like something takes up residence in your head. And you're pretty sure it's not you, but sometimes you wonder: "Is this me? Am I just crazy?"
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There's little information regarding possession in the general populace. With most ending in suicide or acts of violence, it's nearly impossible to weed out the mentally ill from the demon-touched. Jeff's explanation paints a picture he'd never imagined.
Cam doesn't know what to say immediately, so he doesn't rush to speak. Simply hugs Jeff. Holds him close against him.
When he does speak, it's softly.]
That would scare anyone, Jeff. You're not a coward, and you're not a burn-out. Most people don't survive possessions. The fact you made it out alive means you're stronger than most.
I can see why you're afraid to sing again. I would be too.
[A pause, breathing into the thought of telling Jeff something about himself only one person knows.]
It's not the same, but sometimes if I reach too deeply inside of people, with my gift, I know I could take more than control from them. And sometimes it's very hard to say no, when they've done something wrong, or hurt other people.
I don't know what it is. Their life. Their soul. But I do know if I take it, there's no coming back from that.
We're all capable of that kind of darkness, in different ways.
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He hadn't realized just how badly he needed this until Cam's holding him, how much of a relief it is that he can just close his eyes and press his face to the other man's shoulder, breathe him in and listen to his words. He slips his arms around Cam, relaxing. It's a load off to just to be able to talk about this, not just with another person, but with Cam, specifically.
The only thing he says, he murmurs into Cam's shoulder: ] Music was my whole life. [ And after that thing was through with him, he had to make a life out of anything but music. And he tried to shrug off all the shit that was said in the forest, but he still can't shake the specter of himself, questioning if it's really recovery at all, when you deny what makes you you.
Jeff opens his eyes and lifts his head as Cam talks about his gift. He has little experience with Affinities, and shadow magic in particular... Cam's the only person he's ever even met who could use it. He'd only ever assumed it was about the same as any other Gifted person's magic.
He stares at Cam for a few moments, digesting that. Even if Cam's voice was soft, there's a weight to what he said, a significance to it that Jeff just wants to cherish. ] I don't know how you do it. [ There's awe and admiration, as if he's never met a man like Cameron Waltz before. ] How you can look at that kind of darkness and stand up to it.
[ Jeff never could. There's that deep, dark secret of his. The only reason the demon didn't get everything it wanted wasn't because Jeff was stronger than it; it was because he'd been too weak. Which he's thankful for, absolutely. But he'll never forget that he would have summoned it properly if he could've, if only to get it out of his goddamn head. ]
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[Cam looks back at Jeff, half-smiling. He really isn't worthy of awe. He's just a man. The same as Jeff is. Cameron Waltz may be accomplished in many areas, but mentally and emotionally? He may actually be more fragile than most.
Maybe there's something to be said for struggling from such an early age, even if it feels like a lifetime of weakness. By the time he was an adult, and the threats to his psyche were real, he was used to fighting.]
If thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee. I'm just too afraid to look. Because I'm afraid I'll see me looking back at me, and have proof that everyone who gave me shit over my affinity was right. That I'm not gifted. I'm cursed.
I've been wanting to prove those people wrong from the first time I saw my shadow. So maybe there's some anger there too. Bitterness. Defiance.
[Cam touches Jeff's face, thumb stroking his cheek.]
For what it's worth, I found hiding from my own shadow only made it that much more difficult. I think you should try singing, if you can, and know Athena and I won't let anything happen to you.
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[ The offer has his smile broadening. He feels lighter now than he has in days. Jesus, he could even fall asleep at this rate. ]
Keep talking like that, and I just might find it in me to serenade you. [ For now, though, he'll just kiss Cam. ]
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It's proof of something. Trust. Intimacy. Maybe even... Cam won't let his mind go that far yet, but his heart goes on without him. Thumping loud and steady against his ribs like a heavy drum.
He smiles against Jeff's lips, relaxing against him.]
Thank you. And I would very much like to be serenaded.
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But he wants to believe it's true, that he can sing for others, lace his melodies with ritual, and it'll be safe, because he's got Cam and Athena looking out for him.
Maybe one day, he can try. Tonight, though... ]
In the meantime, I can hum a pretty kickass lullaby. If you want to get some sleep.
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All things considered, it's not a bad way to end the night. Even after sharing parts of themselves deemed ugly or unacceptable, by society or themselves. The fact they're still holding each other, even knowing one another's flaws was worth the risk.
Cam can't remember feeling more comfortable with a man. Not even his ex-husband. The one Jeff still doesn't know about. That's a discussion for another day.]
Hum away.
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There's not that many people who've gotten this far with him, as far as the whole... emotional intimacy goes. But with Cam, it just feels natural. Comfortable. Even with their occasional blowups.
He takes a sip, and considers for a moment, going through some playlist in his head. Then he starts humming a song that nobody's heard in decades. One of the rare mellow tracks, from an EP of a little SoCal band that broke up when the lead singer went and got semi-possessed by a demon--
Obviously, we're talking about Jeff's band here. Tonight, the Nervous Tix are making a comeback in Cameron Waltz's living room. ]
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He’s asleep before the song is over, breathing softly against Jeff’s neck. Hand almost in his chai. Cam wouldn’t ordinarily allow himself to fall asleep in front of company, years of dangerous work have made him cautious, but with Jeff Cam does so many things he wouldn’t ordinarily do.
Cam doesn’t let his guard down around most men. He’s learned to protect those parts of himself that are soft and vulnerable.
Jeff Calhoun isn’t most men.]
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Gingerly, he plucks the mug from Cam's hand and sets both cups down on the coffee table. ]
C'mon, babe. Let's get you to bed.
[ It takes a little bit of gentle shifting, but Jeff's got Cam in his arms soon enough, to carry him into the bedroom. GOOD THING HE LIFTS, BRO. It comes in handy in so many ways. ]
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The second thing he notices is the emptiness of his bed, which he doesn't remember going back to after their talk last night.
There's a moment when Cam isn't sure there was a last night. Maybe he was dreaming that Jeff Calhoun came to him at 3am, all hazel eyes and sad puppy-dog smile.
Then he smells the coffee, and smiles into his pillow.
Ten or fifteen minutes later Cam drags himself out of bed, sends a quick text to his secretary to say he'll be out of office today (obviously) and trudges sleepily into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes until the world becomes less fuzzy.]
Morning.
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But he's a morning person (thanks to his job), and it's tough to sleep in, even on the days he can. Damn his highly disciplined body! So by the time Cam trudges into the kitchen, Jeff's already called in at work, washed the mugs, made some coffee, and started cooking breakfast. Eggs! And some fruit he found in the fridge and sliced up! And-- well that's as far as he's gotten. He hasn't figured out the rest of the breakfast yet. ]
Heeeey, sleeping beauty. I made coffee.
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[Cam's not his most verbose in the morning. JJ loves to ask him for things before he's had his first hit of caffeine. He can't remember half the things he says yes to. She's even more sly than he is.
Jeff's smile is warmer and brighter than the sun shining in through the kitchen blinds. Waking up to a man making coffee and cooking eggs in his kitchen, looking at him the way Jeff does? Cam could get used to this.
He walks over to Jeff, almost going in for a kiss before stopping himself, blinking with sleepy regret.]
I forgot to brush my teeth.
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Especially because he's so cute first thing in the morning. Jeff leans to the side, reaches past Cam, and swipes a slice of apple from the spread. ]
Here. [ He slips the apple into Cam's mouth. To freshen up!
Teasingly: ] Now nobody can tell.
[ He loops an arm around Cam's waist and goes in for a kiss. ]
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[Is Cam’s only response to that, around the apple occupying his mouth as Jeff kisses him. He isn’t going to argue. A moment of crunching and a swallow, then he’s looping his arms around Jeff’s neck and kissing him back. Soft and slow. Taking his time. Now that Cam isn’t going into the office, he has nowhere to be but here.]
Good morning.
[Did he say that already? Another kiss and he’s leaning into Jeff and looking over his shoulder to peer at the percolating coffee. Cam’s needs upon waking are simple. Coffee. Breakfast. Shower. After that, he’s awake and ready to take on the world.
Until then, Jeff gets this. The rare sighting of Cameron Waltz before he’s emerged from his morning cocoon a powerful masculine butterfly.]
No work?
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I called in. [ There's a beat before he admits: ] The alternative was ducking out while you were still asleep. I think I picked the better option.
What about you?
[ ARE YOU SKIPPING WORK, TOO? ]
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[Cam inhales a mouthful of coffee before speaking. He needs fuel to formulate a proper response.
After last night, it feels like there’s a lot that needs to be said. Some of which he doesn’t want to say before the caffeine kicks in. One hand between Jeff’s shoulder blades and the other holding his mug, he’s also comfortable. More comfortable than he’s ever been in the ‘morning after’ with another man. Usually he’s trying his best not to embarrass himself, self-conscious about his lack of presentation and wit when it feels like that’s all anyone is interested in.
Maybe that’s why it’s felt different with Jeff from the very start. Because he’d already embarrassed himself so many times from the get-go. Cam’s more obvious flaws are nothing Jeff hasn’t seen before.]
I’m glad you didn’t go. When I woke up, I wasn’t sure you were really here. I can’t even remember going back to bed.
[A pause, looking into his coffee with a shy, trying to hide how pleased he is sort of smile.]
Did you carry me?
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I did. It took some maneuvering on account of your height. You're so long!
[ But, hey, Jeff's spent his whole sober life hitting the gym in lieu of mainlining drugs, so. NO PROBLEM. His back's fine! ]
I'm glad we're both playing hooky today.
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[He never thought he’d be able to cross ‘be carried to bed’ off the bucket list, given his height, age, and a number of other factors, but here he is. A man who was hummed to sleep and carried to bed. ]
And it was a good lullaby.
[Cam soaks up the affection without complaint. He honestly can’t get enough. If Cameron Waltz is lacking in anything, it’s love.
Not that Jeff loves him. Not as far as Cam knows, anyway. It’s a little early for that, right? The thought makes him giggle nervously out of seemingly nowhere and pull away from Jeff to sit at the counter. Drinking his coffee as he watches Jeff putter about in a kitchenette almost too small for his broad shoulders. Quietly mulling over everything that happened last night and is continuing to happen this morning.]
Me too. Did you manage to get any sleep? I’m sorry I passed out on you, it wasn’t very considerate of me.
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[ Oddly now, in the light of day, he's a little self conscious about it. For as confident as Jeff is in some respects, there's something so painfully vulnerable in sharing any music he actually composed himself. These days, the rare times he does sing in front of others, it's always covers of other artists. There's safety in that.
He trusts Cam enough that he can be vulnerable with him. Still, there's some part of him that fears that now, in the light of day, Cam would remember his song as the garbage he's long convinced himself that it is.
Jeff's distracted from his little spike of self loathing, at least, when Cam pulls away with a nervous giggle that brings a smile to his face. Fuck, Cam's adorable. He's handsome, and sophisticated, and passionate, intense, occasionally intimidating... and he's so fucking cute and adorable on top of all of that. The fact that he's been single for so long because most men in his league would rather the fantasy of some 24/7 stone cold besuited badass is just... baffling.
It's not just baffling; it's like a goddamn tragedy, with how alienating it must be for Cam. How many men have set their sights on a fantasy of him, without a care for the real person?
He's watching Cam, smiling fondly, for maybe a beat too long, before he remembers breakfast and gets to popping some bread in the toaster. ]
I got a few hours. Uh... [ Spatula in hand, he rubs the back of his neck as he admits: ] Listening to your breathing made it easier to fall asleep. [ He looks over his shoulder, arching his brow. ] Don't even. You got out of bed and made me tea!
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[Jeff’s really going for the jugular. How does Cam defend himself against a man who can disarm him with a simple statement and a smile? He can’t. A fact that’s both terrifying and exciting at the same time. Most of the men he’s been with have been more interested in his resume than a relationship. Doctors. Lawyers. Diplomats. Attractive successful men conducting a different kind of business transaction in the pursuit of furthering their personal and professional ambitions.
Cam’s emotions, and all the baggage that comes with them, have rarely fit into the golden ratio of their ideal partner. Never mind his daughter and her baggage. Jeff has his own daughter, and his own baggage, so he knows what it's like, but would he want any more than he already has? Will he have time, energy, or want for any of this when they return home?
It’s a question that’s been on Cam’s mind since their first date.
He’s probably been staring at Jeff too long and hard, coffee clutched in both hands, his mouth never leaving the rim of the mug. He finishes sooner than later. It’s not unheard of for Cam to go through two or three cups in the morning.]
Were you looking for anyone back home? Seriously, I mean.
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