Painfully codependent? How terrible. We should definitely break up now.
[An audible smile in his voice. The joke is they're both painfully codependent. Cam loves to spend time with Jeff, and the longer they're together the more opportunities he finds to be near him. Some men find Cam smothering, but Jeff... seems to be as invested as he is, for once.]
[ Just going along with the joke. Really, it's a relief for Jeff, to be with somebody who's on the same page as him for so many things. Yeah, sure, when he was younger, he was all about casual, having his space and independence. But that's not the kind of thing he wants or needs now, with the way his life's going.
He wants a partnership-- a real one-- and Cam seems to want that, too. ]
Five thirty-- [ Thaaaaat probably falls under the umbrella of 'too early.' ] I could push it to six!
I suppose I can trying getting ready in fifteen minutes.
[He is not waking up before six am of his own accord. Working, Cam can stay up as long and rise as early as is necessary. Left to his own devices? He's getting his eight hours.]
I promise, you look amazing even with bedhead and an ungroomed beard...
[ You don't need to do much before a run, Cam!
Jeff sighs, considering the original question. Like with so many of his issues, Jeff has a tendency to just SHOVE IT TO THE MENTAL BACKBURNER and focus on other things until called out. So... ]
I only really get tired at the end of work. Then I go to the gym and that takes care of it. [ Breaking news: addict in recovery swaps drugs with fitness; doesn't solve the underlying issues. ] It's not pathological to get up at 5 am, Cam! I get more done!
[ 'Sweet.' Jeff smiles to himself. And usually he's the one doing the worrying. It's actually nice, hearing it from someone else, even if he's not sure there's anything to worry about. ]
I dunno, it's just... It's my routine, you know? With Mel, and work, I always had to--
[ He stops himself before he gets to the root of it, because it's dangerously close to coming to the surface, escaping that backburner he shoved it onto. Jeff's trying to keep his hours as a single dad with a job that starts early... only with no daughter and a more relaxed workplace and way more free time than he's used to. ]
We can't live in the past, Jeff. Or the future. Only the present.
You're not the same person you were. Things won't turn out the same way, even if you tried to recreate them exactly. You're in your forties now. A father.
I know, but it's like-- [ Huff! FINE. TIME TO OPEN THE FLOODGATES: ] I feel like a fucking Jenga tower! Like I spent years building something stable, and now I'm pulling the foundation out piece by piece!
I'm terrified of pulling the wrong piece and sending all my shit crashing down. [ He groans, pressing his fingers to his eyes. ] Ever since the ghosts in the fucking forest...
[ The ghosts didn't cause this, no, but they dredged all these fears out, front and center. ]
Darling, if you're afraid changing your routine will send all your shit crashing down...
[It means Jeff's only coping with his problems, and they're still largely unsolved.
Cam's dressed and ready to his the road now, slamming his locker shut.]
I'm not telling you to change your routine, if it's the routine you want for yourself. I just don't want you to feel like you're a slave to that routine, or it's the only option.
We probably shouldn't be having this conversation over the phone. It deserves a face to face discussion, if it's a discussion you want to have.
[A pause, and there's a funny noise as Cam's walking out into the street.]
[ He breathes out, nods, REMEMBERS CAM CAN'T SEE HIM OVER THE PHONE AND ADDS: ]
Yeah, this really isn't a phone kinda conversation. Let's get back to tacos! Or-- ooh! Phone sex!
And I totally ordered you a churro. And a sangria. You don't have to drink it if you don't want to, but I know how much you love them, and you seemed to be having an annoying time at the gym, so...
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[An audible smile in his voice. The joke is they're both painfully codependent. Cam loves to spend time with Jeff, and the longer they're together the more opportunities he finds to be near him. Some men find Cam smothering, but Jeff... seems to be as invested as he is, for once.]
...When do you usually run?
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[ Just going along with the joke. Really, it's a relief for Jeff, to be with somebody who's on the same page as him for so many things. Yeah, sure, when he was younger, he was all about casual, having his space and independence. But that's not the kind of thing he wants or needs now, with the way his life's going.
He wants a partnership-- a real one-- and Cam seems to want that, too. ]
Five thirty-- [ Thaaaaat probably falls under the umbrella of 'too early.' ] I could push it to six!
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[Sometimes later than him. Cam tends to fall asleep first.]
What about six thirty?
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[ With Jeff's general sleeping issues, he tends to feel better if he hauls ass out of bed first thing in the morning, anyway. TOTALLY NORMAL. ]
Well... [ WHAT WILL JEFF DO WITH THAT FULL EXTRA HOUR?? ] Six fifteen?
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[He is not waking up before six am of his own accord. Working, Cam can stay up as long and rise as early as is necessary. Left to his own devices? He's getting his eight hours.]
How tired are you on a day to day basis?
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[ Jeff has to think for a moment before he shrugs. ]
Normal amounts of tired? I don't need a ton of sleep.
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[Cam isn't a morning person. He takes ten minutes just to get out of bed. He'll have to set everything out the night before.]
I'm not tired. Day to day, I mean. I'm rarely ever tired.
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[ You don't need to do much before a run, Cam!
Jeff sighs, considering the original question. Like with so many of his issues, Jeff has a tendency to just SHOVE IT TO THE MENTAL BACKBURNER and focus on other things until called out. So... ]
I only really get tired at the end of work. Then I go to the gym and that takes care of it. [ Breaking news: addict in recovery swaps drugs with fitness; doesn't solve the underlying issues. ] It's not pathological to get up at 5 am, Cam! I get more done!
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[He really is. Cam thinks again that he might love this man, and sighs.]
I worry about you. You're always burning the candle at both ends.
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I dunno, it's just... It's my routine, you know? With Mel, and work, I always had to--
[ He stops himself before he gets to the root of it, because it's dangerously close to coming to the surface, escaping that backburner he shoved it onto. Jeff's trying to keep his hours as a single dad with a job that starts early... only with no daughter and a more relaxed workplace and way more free time than he's used to. ]
It's fine. Don't worry about it.
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[Jeff might change his mind about that.]
You have the opportunity to take some time for yourself here. I think you should.
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Gingerly: ]
Well...
Historically, I have not been my best when taking time for myself.
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We can't live in the past, Jeff. Or the future. Only the present.
You're not the same person you were. Things won't turn out the same way, even if you tried to recreate them exactly. You're in your forties now. A father.
And you have me.
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I'm terrified of pulling the wrong piece and sending all my shit crashing down. [ He groans, pressing his fingers to his eyes. ] Ever since the ghosts in the fucking forest...
[ The ghosts didn't cause this, no, but they dredged all these fears out, front and center. ]
I like my routine. It helps.
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[It means Jeff's only coping with his problems, and they're still largely unsolved.
Cam's dressed and ready to his the road now, slamming his locker shut.]
I'm not telling you to change your routine, if it's the routine you want for yourself. I just don't want you to feel like you're a slave to that routine, or it's the only option.
We probably shouldn't be having this conversation over the phone. It deserves a face to face discussion, if it's a discussion you want to have.
[A pause, and there's a funny noise as Cam's walking out into the street.]
God, I'm hungry. You ordered a churro, right?
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Yeah, this really isn't a phone kinda conversation. Let's get back to tacos! Or-- ooh! Phone sex!
And I totally ordered you a churro. And a sangria. You don't have to drink it if you don't want to, but I know how much you love them, and you seemed to be having an annoying time at the gym, so...
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[A low chuckle. He's teasing. Cam would hotline bling Jeff any day.]
Thank you. One day off won't hurt... Right?
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[ HE'S KIDDING. ]
Yeah. Just a day! Then we can double down tomorrow!
[ Is Jeff really excited to do fitness with his boyfriend? YOU BET YOUR ASS HE IS. ]
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Darling, can I ask you something? Promise you'll answer me truthfully.
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You can ask me anything.
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[Asks the man who's been dieting all of... a week.]
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You look... as fit and handsome as the first time we met...
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