We can't live in the past, Jeff. Or the future. Only the present.
You're not the same person you were. Things won't turn out the same way, even if you tried to recreate them exactly. You're in your forties now. A father.
I know, but it's like-- [ Huff! FINE. TIME TO OPEN THE FLOODGATES: ] I feel like a fucking Jenga tower! Like I spent years building something stable, and now I'm pulling the foundation out piece by piece!
I'm terrified of pulling the wrong piece and sending all my shit crashing down. [ He groans, pressing his fingers to his eyes. ] Ever since the ghosts in the fucking forest...
[ The ghosts didn't cause this, no, but they dredged all these fears out, front and center. ]
Darling, if you're afraid changing your routine will send all your shit crashing down...
[It means Jeff's only coping with his problems, and they're still largely unsolved.
Cam's dressed and ready to his the road now, slamming his locker shut.]
I'm not telling you to change your routine, if it's the routine you want for yourself. I just don't want you to feel like you're a slave to that routine, or it's the only option.
We probably shouldn't be having this conversation over the phone. It deserves a face to face discussion, if it's a discussion you want to have.
[A pause, and there's a funny noise as Cam's walking out into the street.]
[ He breathes out, nods, REMEMBERS CAM CAN'T SEE HIM OVER THE PHONE AND ADDS: ]
Yeah, this really isn't a phone kinda conversation. Let's get back to tacos! Or-- ooh! Phone sex!
And I totally ordered you a churro. And a sangria. You don't have to drink it if you don't want to, but I know how much you love them, and you seemed to be having an annoying time at the gym, so...
[ Somehow, he can just SEE the terror-inducing, cold, 'mean hot dad' look on Cam's face as he says that. ]
Me? But I didn't-- I don't-- [ JEFF ALREADY THINKS YOU'RE THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE RIGHT NOW, WITH THE AMOUNT OF JUNK YOU'VE CURRENTLY GOT IN YOUR TRUNK. ]
No. [ Time to get firm and put his foot down! FIRMLY. ] I will not be the reason you give up chocolate and wine and any other food you like! You're laying so much responsibility and inevitable resentment on me, and I didn't even ask you to go on a diet or lose any weight and it's not fair, man, you can't--
[Now he's just really, really embarrassed, because Jeff is right and none of this is his responsibility, and if Cam is being a witch about food because he can't live a goddamn day without a chocolate bar, or drop a few pounds without drama, that's his problem.]
Because you have the perfect body, and I don't, and I don't want you to become bored, or unsatisfied, or think I don't take care of myself, or try to become better, because I'm lazy and selfish and don't care about your needs.
[Jeff can hear the increasing tension/emotion in his voice, the way it gets higher and tighter as he works himself up into somewhere close to tears.]
I know I'm not fat, or hideous, but if I could just stop eating so much I would have a flat stomach, and look younger, fitter--
Flattering as it is to hear I have the perfect body, you know I work out so much because I like doing it, right? Not because I think everyone needs to look like...
[ No, he's not explaining it well. ]
How could I ever think you're lazy or selfish? You're the most selfless person I know, and you work so hard, and I like that you can appreciate food the way you do! [ He thinks it's cute!! ] I don't want to date a guy who's just like me!
You're sexy to me. Not the guys I lift with at the gym.
I don't know. Tighten things up. No belly, firmer ass, smoother skin. All of that.
[A heavy sigh.]
How is my age a perk? Some days I feel like I'm falling apart. The other night, when we were... making love, and you had your hands under me, on my stomach, I couldn't stop thinking about how you can probably feel my fat jiggling.
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We can't live in the past, Jeff. Or the future. Only the present.
You're not the same person you were. Things won't turn out the same way, even if you tried to recreate them exactly. You're in your forties now. A father.
And you have me.
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I'm terrified of pulling the wrong piece and sending all my shit crashing down. [ He groans, pressing his fingers to his eyes. ] Ever since the ghosts in the fucking forest...
[ The ghosts didn't cause this, no, but they dredged all these fears out, front and center. ]
I like my routine. It helps.
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[It means Jeff's only coping with his problems, and they're still largely unsolved.
Cam's dressed and ready to his the road now, slamming his locker shut.]
I'm not telling you to change your routine, if it's the routine you want for yourself. I just don't want you to feel like you're a slave to that routine, or it's the only option.
We probably shouldn't be having this conversation over the phone. It deserves a face to face discussion, if it's a discussion you want to have.
[A pause, and there's a funny noise as Cam's walking out into the street.]
God, I'm hungry. You ordered a churro, right?
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Yeah, this really isn't a phone kinda conversation. Let's get back to tacos! Or-- ooh! Phone sex!
And I totally ordered you a churro. And a sangria. You don't have to drink it if you don't want to, but I know how much you love them, and you seemed to be having an annoying time at the gym, so...
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[A low chuckle. He's teasing. Cam would hotline bling Jeff any day.]
Thank you. One day off won't hurt... Right?
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[ HE'S KIDDING. ]
Yeah. Just a day! Then we can double down tomorrow!
[ Is Jeff really excited to do fitness with his boyfriend? YOU BET YOUR ASS HE IS. ]
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Darling, can I ask you something? Promise you'll answer me truthfully.
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You can ask me anything.
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[Asks the man who's been dieting all of... a week.]
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You look... as fit and handsome as the first time we met...
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Me? But I didn't-- I don't-- [ JEFF ALREADY THINKS YOU'RE THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE RIGHT NOW, WITH THE AMOUNT OF JUNK YOU'VE CURRENTLY GOT IN YOUR TRUNK. ]
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[ ABRUPT STOP. ]
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[Now he's just really, really embarrassed, because Jeff is right and none of this is his responsibility, and if Cam is being a witch about food because he can't live a goddamn day without a chocolate bar, or drop a few pounds without drama, that's his problem.]
You didn't do anything.
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[Jeff can hear the increasing tension/emotion in his voice, the way it gets higher and tighter as he works himself up into somewhere close to tears.]
I know I'm not fat, or hideous, but if I could just stop eating so much I would have a flat stomach, and look younger, fitter--
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[ YOU'RE WORKING YOURSELF UP AND IT'S WORRYING. ]
Flattering as it is to hear I have the perfect body, you know I work out so much because I like doing it, right? Not because I think everyone needs to look like...
[ No, he's not explaining it well. ]
How could I ever think you're lazy or selfish? You're the most selfless person I know, and you work so hard, and I like that you can appreciate food the way you do! [ He thinks it's cute!! ] I don't want to date a guy who's just like me!
You're sexy to me. Not the guys I lift with at the gym.
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I'll support whatever you want to do with your body! But just... pleaaaase don't do it 'for' me. I don't want that.
Your age is one of your perks.
[ Seriously, if he wanted a young gym bunny, he'd be dating one. ]
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[A heavy sigh.]
How is my age a perk? Some days I feel like I'm falling apart. The other night, when we were... making love, and you had your hands under me, on my stomach, I couldn't stop thinking about how you can probably feel my fat jiggling.
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Especially when they've got beards and a bit of grey in their hair.
[ AS FOR THAT OTHER THING... ]
Babe. I promise you, that thought didn't cross my mind for even a second that night. You don't even have a jiggleable amount of fat!
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