[ Somehow, he can just SEE the terror-inducing, cold, 'mean hot dad' look on Cam's face as he says that. ]
Me? But I didn't-- I don't-- [ JEFF ALREADY THINKS YOU'RE THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE RIGHT NOW, WITH THE AMOUNT OF JUNK YOU'VE CURRENTLY GOT IN YOUR TRUNK. ]
No. [ Time to get firm and put his foot down! FIRMLY. ] I will not be the reason you give up chocolate and wine and any other food you like! You're laying so much responsibility and inevitable resentment on me, and I didn't even ask you to go on a diet or lose any weight and it's not fair, man, you can't--
[Now he's just really, really embarrassed, because Jeff is right and none of this is his responsibility, and if Cam is being a witch about food because he can't live a goddamn day without a chocolate bar, or drop a few pounds without drama, that's his problem.]
Because you have the perfect body, and I don't, and I don't want you to become bored, or unsatisfied, or think I don't take care of myself, or try to become better, because I'm lazy and selfish and don't care about your needs.
[Jeff can hear the increasing tension/emotion in his voice, the way it gets higher and tighter as he works himself up into somewhere close to tears.]
I know I'm not fat, or hideous, but if I could just stop eating so much I would have a flat stomach, and look younger, fitter--
Flattering as it is to hear I have the perfect body, you know I work out so much because I like doing it, right? Not because I think everyone needs to look like...
[ No, he's not explaining it well. ]
How could I ever think you're lazy or selfish? You're the most selfless person I know, and you work so hard, and I like that you can appreciate food the way you do! [ He thinks it's cute!! ] I don't want to date a guy who's just like me!
You're sexy to me. Not the guys I lift with at the gym.
I don't know. Tighten things up. No belly, firmer ass, smoother skin. All of that.
[A heavy sigh.]
How is my age a perk? Some days I feel like I'm falling apart. The other night, when we were... making love, and you had your hands under me, on my stomach, I couldn't stop thinking about how you can probably feel my fat jiggling.
I can squeeze it in my hands. And my pants are tight right now. Too tight.
Because all I want to do is go out to restaurants with you, and you always encourage me to get dessert, and I always eat most of it and you have like two bites, and I know I should have two bites, but we both know I won't.
And then after we eat, we just come home and cuddle, and it's so nice, all I want to do is lie on the couch and drink chai and watch movies with you.
[ Jeff thinks for a moment before responding. It'd be easy to assure Cam that pants size doesn't matter, and he can just let them out or buy a new wardrobe or whatever, but he can't bring himself to do that. The easy thing isn't the same as the right thing.
If their positions were reversed, he wouldn't want Cam brushing off his discomfort, either. ]
Then... how about we take a break on the restaurants? We don't want that to be our go-to date night, anyway.
Is there a sport you've always wanted to take up? If it involves throwing things, I totally suck at it, so we can start from scratch, together!
You are good enough for me. You're better than I deserve, but I'm too selfish to give you up. I don't know how I don't drive you crazy. Maybe I do. But you always listen, and you're sweet, and kind, and try your best even if my problem isn't your problem.
[He laughs, even though his chest is tight, and his heart is pounding.]
You're right. Let's eat at home more. I want to cook for you, and I can cook healthy, delicious dishes from all over our world, and you can't find them in any restaurant.
And I do want to run together, even if it's early, and we could join a team-- though I'm very good at sports that involve throwing, and, well... every other type of sport. But I would play at any level for you.
Sometimes you drive me crazy. [ QUICKLY, HE ADDS: ] I mean, in a good way!
You challenge me. I like that. And you're thoughtful, and caring, and the smartest guy I know.
I kinda like everything about you.
[ He might as well just say "I love you." Or at least "I think I love you-- is it too early? I can't tell if it's too early." It's pretty much what he means. ]
Let's do it! Home-cooked meals and team sports! I'm terrible at pretty much all of them, but it's just for fun, right?
[ His heart does a happy flip flop when Cam says that the all-around like levels are mutual. Jeff can't stop grinning, even if Cam can't see it. HE CAN PROBABLY HEAR IT IN JEFF'S VOICE. ]
Then we'll try our best to win! What do you want to start with?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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You look... as fit and handsome as the first time we met...
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1/3
Me? But I didn't-- I don't-- [ JEFF ALREADY THINKS YOU'RE THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE RIGHT NOW, WITH THE AMOUNT OF JUNK YOU'VE CURRENTLY GOT IN YOUR TRUNK. ]
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[ ABRUPT STOP. ]
3/3
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[Now he's just really, really embarrassed, because Jeff is right and none of this is his responsibility, and if Cam is being a witch about food because he can't live a goddamn day without a chocolate bar, or drop a few pounds without drama, that's his problem.]
You didn't do anything.
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[Jeff can hear the increasing tension/emotion in his voice, the way it gets higher and tighter as he works himself up into somewhere close to tears.]
I know I'm not fat, or hideous, but if I could just stop eating so much I would have a flat stomach, and look younger, fitter--
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[ YOU'RE WORKING YOURSELF UP AND IT'S WORRYING. ]
Flattering as it is to hear I have the perfect body, you know I work out so much because I like doing it, right? Not because I think everyone needs to look like...
[ No, he's not explaining it well. ]
How could I ever think you're lazy or selfish? You're the most selfless person I know, and you work so hard, and I like that you can appreciate food the way you do! [ He thinks it's cute!! ] I don't want to date a guy who's just like me!
You're sexy to me. Not the guys I lift with at the gym.
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I'll support whatever you want to do with your body! But just... pleaaaase don't do it 'for' me. I don't want that.
Your age is one of your perks.
[ Seriously, if he wanted a young gym bunny, he'd be dating one. ]
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[A heavy sigh.]
How is my age a perk? Some days I feel like I'm falling apart. The other night, when we were... making love, and you had your hands under me, on my stomach, I couldn't stop thinking about how you can probably feel my fat jiggling.
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Especially when they've got beards and a bit of grey in their hair.
[ AS FOR THAT OTHER THING... ]
Babe. I promise you, that thought didn't cross my mind for even a second that night. You don't even have a jiggleable amount of fat!
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Because all I want to do is go out to restaurants with you, and you always encourage me to get dessert, and I always eat most of it and you have like two bites, and I know I should have two bites, but we both know I won't.
And then after we eat, we just come home and cuddle, and it's so nice, all I want to do is lie on the couch and drink chai and watch movies with you.
You're such a good boyfriend.
[A tiny sniffle.]
I want to be good enough for you.
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If their positions were reversed, he wouldn't want Cam brushing off his discomfort, either. ]
Then... how about we take a break on the restaurants? We don't want that to be our go-to date night, anyway.
Is there a sport you've always wanted to take up? If it involves throwing things, I totally suck at it, so we can start from scratch, together!
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You know... I always worry about being good enough for you, too. Like you'll realize one day that I'm not on the same level as you.
So. You know. You're not alone in your feelings, Cam. I'm right there with you.
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[He laughs, even though his chest is tight, and his heart is pounding.]
You're right. Let's eat at home more. I want to cook for you, and I can cook healthy, delicious dishes from all over our world, and you can't find them in any restaurant.
And I do want to run together, even if it's early, and we could join a team-- though I'm very good at sports that involve throwing, and, well... every other type of sport. But I would play at any level for you.
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You challenge me. I like that. And you're thoughtful, and caring, and the smartest guy I know.
I kinda like everything about you.
[ He might as well just say "I love you." Or at least "I think I love you-- is it too early? I can't tell if it's too early." It's pretty much what he means. ]
Let's do it! Home-cooked meals and team sports! I'm terrible at pretty much all of them, but it's just for fun, right?
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[Cam's thinking the same thing, that he loves this man, and all that's keeping him from saying it is the fear of it being too soon.]
Yes. For fun. I love winning.
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Then we'll try our best to win! What do you want to start with?
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[A laugh, he's grinning too.
And no one's going to break Cam's forty-three year streak.]
I don't know, what do you like? I'm partial to baseball, soccer, tennis, swimming, fencing, and boxing.
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...baseball? Let's start with baseball.
[ He's good at running! Baseball's a good sport for that! ]
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